The right-wing press has a long and inglorious history of loathing low-level British Pokémon – despising the way that they brazenly insist on both existing and contributing towards the overall character and progression of the nation.
But all that changed the other day, as they discovered something which is even worse than our hereditary British Pokémon – namely:
Here’s our token right-wing reporter, Frank Lee-Bull, to explain how the discovery came about:
I was telling some millennials to get a haircut and pull their trousers up the other day when I noticed that they were playing this new Pokémon Go game. I must admit that, as a Conservative, I do approve of hunting animals and then smashing your balls against them; it’s just the bloodless whimsy I take offence to.
Ignoring my advice, one of the gap-year Gabbies looked at me and said: ‘It’s really cool, actually – I caught this one here on my holidays’.
I felt a cold sweat begin to form above my stiff upper lip as her words sunk in. Fearing her answer, I gulped and asked where she was on holiday when she caught it.
‘I was in Turkey’, she answered, as I felt the sky fall in.
Shaking like a vegan tailor at a woolly hats and Bratwurst festival, I slowly spun around and noticed scores of people playing Pokémon Go, and I wondered exactly how many of them were harbouring foreign monsters in their digital pockets.
‘INTERLOPER!’ I shouted, pointing at the young woman’s phone. ‘It’s a psyduck actually’, she responded, but before she could clarify whatever the hell that was, I slapped the phone out of her hand and ran away screaming.
Since learning about this Poké-invasion, the right-wing press has been attempting to convince everyone that these foreign devils are coming over here to eat all of our Poké-candy. Or at least that’s what they’ve told people since they worked out exactly what it was that our hard-working Poké-families sustained themselves on anyway – having previously assumed that it was some sort of governmental Poké-hand-out.
But many have been quick to point out that most Poké-candy is reserved for the higher evolutions of Pokémon anyway – ie the Pokémon elites – and that this is why there’s never enough to go round.
It’s also been pointed out that there’s been a long and awful history of bringing foreign Pokémon over here to generate more Poké-candy for these elites, and that really the low-level Pikachus of the world should unite to rid ourselves of the Mewtwo 1%.
Regardless of what’s actually going on, though, Frank Lee-Bull says the most important thing is that:
WE ALL PANIC AND ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE SWEPT UP ON THE FROTHING CREST OF THIS TERRIFYING EMOTIONAL TSUNAMI!!!