A new study into the impact of ‘bad shit’ on the human brain has concluded that Boris Johnson is worse for you than:
- Horse tranquilisers.
- Repeatedly falling into a canyon like Homer did.
- Doing a full bag of mystery powder that you found in a bus station.
This is your brain on Boris
The lead scientist on the study talked us through what happens to your brain when faced with Johnson:
Boris initially has a relaxing effect on you, which is similar to cannabis. This means you understand that what he’s saying is exaggerated, untrue, or immoral, but you find yourself amused by his bumbling anyway – like some hippy giggling at his own balls.
Although this may seem harmless, we’ve observed that long-term exposure to Boris can cause irreparable damage to brain cells. That’s why there are still people walking around saying things like ‘Labour bankrupted the country’ – even though the ‘logic’ for that argument was debunked years ago. They just remember Boris having said it, and they get stuck in a loop that we’re calling ‘The Johnson Hole’.
The report has also shown that Boris can act as a gateway drug to harder Tories like Jacob Rees-Mogg. I.e. Tories who seem superficially enjoyable, but are actually worse for your brain than snorting napalm:
Jacob Rees-Mogg is not amusing.
Jacob Rees-Mogg is cruel, deplorable and dangerous. pic.twitter.com/RLRBD1UFRS
— Simon Renshaw (@SiRenshaw) July 6, 2017
The scientists behind the study recommend that you remember the following when viewing Boris:
- Be aware that all of his cocking about is done on purpose to distract you.
- Remember that no matter what he’s saying, there’s probably a draft letter of him saying the exact opposite.
- Winners don’t take Boris.
And if you must view Boris, be sure that you’re not operating heavy machinery while doing so. Especially if said heavy machinery is a fire engine, as there’s a good chance he’ll be telling you to get stuffed.