Following duelling campaigns of fear, a reliance on misinformation, and every poll heralding itself as the poll to end all polls, many people in the UK are confused – both as to what the EU even is, and how they ultimately intend on voting for it.
Although some have sought to stomp out the flaming dog turd of deception with the sure-footed loafer of facts, here at Off the Perch we’ve opted to just let people get on with it.
- 18% of Brits think that Europeans walk on their hands and eat with their feet.
- 42% of Brits wonder why we’re even bothering with this EU when we could just join forces with our neighbours in Germany and France.
- 25% of Brits were planning on voting against whatever the Tory party wanted, and as a result of the Conservative civil war have found themselves sucked into some sort of reality paradox.
- 35% of Brits believe that not only are we wasting £350m a week, but that all of that money is used as toilet roll for the millions of tedious megacrats who work at the European Union’s Fortress of Ineptitude.
- 98% of Brits are voting based on sheer spite.
- 27% of Brits think the EU is actually doing an excellent job – largely because they themselves are reasonably well off, so why not, eh?
- 100% of Brits know that at least 90% of what they’re hearing is complete and utter nonsense, and yet in the absence of anything good on the telly, have decided to just go with it.
- 14% of Brits think we need to leave because the EU is like a mafia, but they’re not up-to-speed with how crime organisations deal with deserters.
- 72% of Brits aren’t that worried, because they know that they’ll wake up soon and find themselves in the real world where grown-up debate is an actual thing.
- 4% of Brits think that we should honour our pledge to the Stark family and concentrate on the real threat – the white walkers beyond the wall.
- 30% of Brits think that branding the entirety of Brexit supporters as “racists” is a strong argument that will win Brexiteers over.
- 82% of Brits only believe the polls that agree with them.
- 49% of Brits will just f*ck off to Spain if we can’t get a grip on immigration.
- 1% of Brits have been swayed by David Cameron’s arguments for remaining, and in most cases that’s only because they misheard quite a lot of what he said.
- 18% of Brits who respect Jeremy Corbyn’s truthful approach to politics are annoyed that he’s insisting on admitting that in truth the EU is actually just a little bit abhorrent.
- 24% of Brits think that a devalued pound will be good for exports, leading to a boom for all of the… manufacturing industries… that we… err…
Regardless of which side is the least wrong, however, I think we can all agree that a combination of brazenly crooked politicians, a corporately-owned “free” media, and a tendency for education and culture to mainly focus on our historical greatest hits has led to a situation which can only be described as:
Steroid-fuelled hyper-nonsense on stilts – on ice – on drugs.
You’ve gotta laugh, but as the Referendum won’t be decided by a laughometer, it would also be a good idea to vote.
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