Here are some fitting name suggestions for a potential Labour splinter party

Support us and go ad-free

It’s looking increasingly likely that the Labour Party will split into two separate parties – much like how when you cut a worm in half the brain goes one way and the arse-end goes another.

The unions are currently backing the side with a history of supporting workers’ rights. Meanwhile, without the backing of the labour movement, it would be frankly obscene for the Chicken Coupers to continue to call themselves ‘Labour.’

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/750292929340665856

So what should they call themselves?

Here are several suggestions from the team at Off the Perch:

Nu Labour

This would work from both perspectives. Firstly, the splitters would think that it was incredibly hip and modern – much like how they think that using redundant late-90’s spin is incredibly hip and modern.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

It also works from a more critical perspective, as nu-metal was an offensively over-produced insult to actual metal, and the splinter group’s relationship to Labour would be similarly degenerative.

The Social-ish Middle Managers Party

New Labour was in reality a Trojan Horse for the super-rich to pass straight through the walls of social democracy and into the unguarded treasury beyond. Superficially, however, the party was one of middle-England, middle management types – the sort of voters who would like things to be nice for everyone, but would happily settle for things just being nice for themselves.

The Chicken Party

As well as linking to the dismal and pathetic #ChickenCoup, it would also reference the fact that when you cut a chicken’s head off, it will run around like a clueless d*ckhead for quite some time before dropping.

The Knights of Blair

Sweeping down from their castle of privilege on horses made of spin to save the damsel in distress  – Tony Blair – from the clutches of the evil Manti-Corb and his army of trolls.

Is how they’d see themselves.

Replacing their name with a symbol like Prince did – the symbol in question being a picture of a rat fucking itself in the eye

Because that’s what these bozos are doing to themselves really – their splinter party is as hotly-anticipated as a super-group comprised of the bass players from Coldplay, Nickelback, and The Wiggles.

The Thatcherism Preservation Society

Thatcherism was one of the most influential forces to ever hit the UK – the most comparable force before it having been The Black Death.

When The Black Death hit the UK, what any sensible person would have aimed for was its eradication. If the Blairites existed back then, however, they would have attempted to work with the disease – possibly hoping that by throwing it the odd pleb to kill off, the rest of them could escape its ravages un-ravaged.

This is why Tony Blair said it was his job to:

build on some Thatcher policies

When the decent thing would have been to tarmac over them entirely and start again from scratch.

Carry On Chilcot

Because if they’re going to carry out this farce, they might as well go the full Sid James and have a laugh with it.

If you’ve got any suggestions yourself, please make them known on our Facebook or Twitter pages!

Featured image via Flickr / Wikimedia / Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed