Theresa May unveils plans to turn the North into an open-air ‘1984’ theme park

John Shafthauer

As part of her drive to become PM, Theresa May has been making her case for a country that works for everyone. This is obviously a smart direction for a potential leader to pursue, as Great Britain is quite clearly weighted towards the benefits of:

  • Super-rich Australian super-villains.
  • Queen Betty.
  • Business sh*ts.
  • Hereditary horror-bags.
  • People who want to get paid for holding opinions so corrosive that you could use them to melt a Terminator.

The problem with May’s claims, however, is that she was one of the main architects behind this current division – having been an undeniably important cog in the clockwork society-thresher that is the Tory party.

This apparent hypocrisy led to one reporter questioning May as to what she’d actually do differently, and particularly what she’d do for the North:

Well I intend to make sure that in my Britain, no one is left behind.

The reporter scoffed at this idea – saying it was essentially comparable to rich escapees from the Titanic shouting down from their lifeboats that they’d “come back” for the unfortunate floaters.

Theresa began to respond/lie, when an unfortunate gust of wind struck up – blowing some very important documents straight into the hands of the reporter. As the reporter in question was a deeply dignified and ethical person, they responded to the kerfuffle by legging-it with the papers as fast as they could – enabling them to read through May’s evil plan and report to us the following:

  • Plans are afoot to turn the largely non-Tory North of England into an “open-air 1984 theme park.”
  • The theme park will involve the Northern CCTV network being enlarged by some 5063% – to the point that the most important CCTV cameras will have their very own little CCTV cameras on top of them to prevent the theft of our precious CCTV cameras.
  • The 1984 park will generate money by allowing tourists to come and watch Northern Brits playing the part of ‘proles’ – doing things such as acting like sweatshop workers, pretending to work long shifts in unregulated munitions factories, and feigning homelessness/horrific workplace injuries. The report claims that “Northeners will spend about 18 hours a day engaged in these fun role-playing activities, and they won’t even be charged for the privilege!”
  • Due to all of the money brought in by tourists (tourists they predict will mainly be rich Saudi sweatshop owners), the North will be able to free itself of all those annoying advert boards, which are everywhere now. To remind the Northeners who brought this about, the former advertising spots will be replaced with pictures of Theresa May along with the message ‘THE SNOOPERS’ CHARTER IS LOVE.”
  • May plans to sell it to the Northern lefties by claiming that they “love all of that George Orwell sh*t,” although she also notes that this message will have to be massaged slightly.
  • She plans to sell it to Brexiters by claiming that this will be a central part of “taking back control” from the evil EU, as it was those “sausage-waggling bureaucrats” who said that we can’t turn large swathes of Britain into 1984 in the first place.

Although many are worried that Theresa May has already won by virtue of having majority-support and simply not being Andrea Leadsom, the fact is that in post-fact politics, you really can’t predict anything anymore.

And to cement my prediction that the death of prediction is happening, here’s my prediction about how any attempt to make well-informed predictions will ultimately affect the Tory results:

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/751332306384719872

Featured image via Wikimedia.

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