Twitter was alight yesterday with claims that the group Saving Labour may have been illegally accessing the private information of lapsed Labour members. The reason why they’ve allegedly been perpetrating this potentially criminal action is that they want to give former members a chance to “save democracy” – namely because democracy is now something which must be saved at any and all costs – even if said cost is the complete and utter destruction of democracy.
Although these allegations are obviously more shocking than an electric eel blowing the 9/11 conspiracy wide open, Off the Perch can reveal that this rabbit hole goes even further than that – so far in fact that we feel obliged to offer you the following two options:
- Click the blue link to be whisked away to a reassuring video of some golden retrievers having a bit of a paddle.
- Click the red link to carry on reading and have your mind blown harder than an electric eel providing oral relief in a wind tunnel.
Although don’t actually click the second one. Just carry on reading. It’s red because the link is broken.
Anyway, we can now exclusively reveal that certain elements of the Labour party have been plotting to create a so-called ‘Democracy Matrix’.
The concept of this ‘Democracy Matrix’ is that once we’re plugged into the virtual world, we will see the world as the PLP do – meaning that the following ideas will finally begin to make sense:
- The idea that Angela Eagle and Owen Smith are ‘left-wing’ despite having supported policies like the Iraq war, NHS privatisation, and austerity.
- The idea that winning three elections gives Tony Blair the right to bomb whoever he likes.
- The idea that if you attempt to bypass democracy and fail, the appropriate follow-up is to ban people from voting, charge others £25, and then claim you’re doing it in the interests of saving democracy/the poor.
Although we have no concrete evidence to support these claims, the plot does have all the trademarks of the Blairites’ typical #ChickenCoup shenanigans – namely that:
1. It’s dumb, impractical, and unlikely to work.
2. It’s referencing something which hasn’t been popular since the late 90s.
3. It involves stabbing people in the back – albeit this time with a person-to-matrix USB lead rather than a metaphorical dagger.
Although the Labour party has refused to comment on the allegations, Hilary Benn was spotted earlier this morning wearing a leather trench coat and typing out Twitter ripostes in bullet time.
If you yourself are worried about the inevitable privacy breaches that would result from being forcibly logged in to the matrix, please be assured that the people behind this plot are struggling to pull off their socks every night – let alone pull off a scheme so advanced that it would make cold fusion look like an electric eel hooked up to a toaster.
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