Saving Labour agents caught plugging members into their ‘Democracy Matrix’

Support us and go ad-free

Twitter was alight yesterday with claims that the group Saving Labour may have been illegally accessing the private information of lapsed Labour members. The reason why they’ve allegedly been perpetrating this potentially criminal action is that they want to give former members a chance to “save democracy” – namely because democracy is now something which must be saved at any and all costs – even if said cost is the complete and utter destruction of democracy.

Although these allegations are obviously more shocking than an electric eel blowing the 9/11 conspiracy wide open, Off the Perch can reveal that this rabbit hole goes even further than that – so far in fact that we feel obliged to offer you the following two options:

  • Click the blue link to be whisked away to a reassuring video of some golden retrievers having a bit of a paddle.
  • Click the red link to carry on reading and have your mind blown harder than an electric eel providing oral relief in a wind tunnel.

Although don’t actually click the second one. Just carry on reading. It’s red because the link is broken.

Anyway, we can now exclusively reveal that certain elements of the Labour party have been plotting to create a so-called ‘Democracy Matrix’.

The concept of this ‘Democracy Matrix’ is that once we’re plugged into the virtual world, we will see the world as the PLP do – meaning that the following ideas will finally begin to make sense:

  • The idea that Angela Eagle and Owen Smith are ‘left-wing’ despite having supported policies like the Iraq war, NHS privatisation, and austerity.
  • The idea that winning three elections gives Tony Blair the right to bomb whoever he likes.
  • The idea that if you attempt to bypass democracy and fail, the appropriate follow-up is to ban people from voting, charge others £25, and then claim you’re doing it in the interests of saving democracy/the poor.

Although we have no concrete evidence to support these claims, the plot does have all the trademarks of the Blairites’ typical #ChickenCoup shenanigans – namely that:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

1.   It’s dumb, impractical, and unlikely to work.

2.   It’s referencing something which hasn’t been popular since the late 90s.

3.   It involves stabbing people in the back – albeit this time with a person-to-matrix USB lead rather than a metaphorical dagger.

Although the Labour party has refused to comment on the allegations, Hilary Benn was spotted earlier this morning wearing a leather trench coat and typing out Twitter ripostes in bullet time.

If you yourself are worried about the inevitable privacy breaches that would result from being forcibly logged in to the matrix, please be assured that the people behind this plot are struggling to pull off their socks every night – let alone pull off a scheme so advanced that it would make cold fusion look like an electric eel hooked up to a toaster.

Featured image via YouTube / Flickr / Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed