“I’m not a serial killer either,” Owen ‘normal’ Smith assures voters

When Owen Smith was interviewed last week, he responded to the suggestion he was ‘normal’ by saying:

I am normal. I grew up in a normal household. I’ve got a wife and three children. My wife is a primary school teacher.

When most people heard this, they thought that it was a clever bit of on-the-fly dog-whistle politics – cunningly insinuating that:

  • Angela Eagle isn’t normal because she’s shacked up with a woman, and how do their bits even go together?
  • All those Corbyn supporters are a right bunch of Trots, rabble, and dogs, and you just know that they didn’t grow up normal. If I had to guess, I’d say that they were all raised by soviet infiltrators in East-London mansions that you paid for. They were probably wet-nursed by vegan bears too.

People’s opinions have now become further confused, however, after Owen Smith came out to clarify his earlier comments, and ultimately made things even worse:

I’d just like to reiterate my earlier comments, and assert that I am incredibly and undeniably normal. I’d also like to add that I am not – that’s not – a serial killer. I am definitely not the Manchester Canal killer for instance, who is more colloquially known as ‘Jack the Dipper.’

 To clarify further, I have never snuck up on unexpected drunkards, got so close that I could smell the reek of inebriation on their skin, and then pushed them into the water the moment they felt my breath on their necks.

 I have never skinned and eaten a jogger.

Read on...

 The freezer in my garage has no torsos in it whatsoever.

 My g-string is not made from granny-leather.

After Owen finished making his statement, most of the journalists in attendance turned to look at one another and said things like:

 Hmm – the way he keeps insisting how normal he is makes me suspect that he’s secretly not very normal at all.

This is a suspicion backed up by history, as many of the world’s greatest monsters have attempted to cloak their abhorrence with a veil of normality – examples having included:

  • The serial killer John Wayne Gacy performing as a clown for children – something which was actually considered a lot less sinister before we found out more about John Wayne Gacy.
  • Margaret Thatcher always taking on human form when appearing in front of the press/parliament.
  • Vladimir Putin releasing the single ‘I’m Still Vladdy from the Bloc’ in 2005.

Although we can’t say for certain that Owen Smith is some sort of Joker-esque serial freak on the quiet, we can say for certain that he claims he isn’t, and that almost certainly means that he is.




Featured image via Wikimedia / Flickr

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