“I’m not a serial killer either,” Owen ‘normal’ Smith assures voters

When Owen Smith was interviewed last week, he responded to the suggestion he was ‘normal’ by saying:

I am normal. I grew up in a normal household. I’ve got a wife and three children. My wife is a primary school teacher.

When most people heard this, they thought that it was a clever bit of on-the-fly dog-whistle politics – cunningly insinuating that:

  • Angela Eagle isn’t normal because she’s shacked up with a woman, and how do their bits even go together?
  • All those Corbyn supporters are a right bunch of Trots, rabble, and dogs, and you just know that they didn’t grow up normal. If I had to guess, I’d say that they were all raised by soviet infiltrators in East-London mansions that you paid for. They were probably wet-nursed by vegan bears too.

People’s opinions have now become further confused, however, after Owen Smith came out to clarify his earlier comments, and ultimately made things even worse:

I’d just like to reiterate my earlier comments, and assert that I am incredibly and undeniably normal. I’d also like to add that I am not – that’s not – a serial killer. I am definitely not the Manchester Canal killer for instance, who is more colloquially known as ‘Jack the Dipper.’

 To clarify further, I have never snuck up on unexpected drunkards, got so close that I could smell the reek of inebriation on their skin, and then pushed them into the water the moment they felt my breath on their necks.

 I have never skinned and eaten a jogger.

 The freezer in my garage has no torsos in it whatsoever.

 My g-string is not made from granny-leather.

After Owen finished making his statement, most of the journalists in attendance turned to look at one another and said things like:

 Hmm – the way he keeps insisting how normal he is makes me suspect that he’s secretly not very normal at all.

This is a suspicion backed up by history, as many of the world’s greatest monsters have attempted to cloak their abhorrence with a veil of normality – examples having included:

  • The serial killer John Wayne Gacy performing as a clown for children – something which was actually considered a lot less sinister before we found out more about John Wayne Gacy.
  • Margaret Thatcher always taking on human form when appearing in front of the press/parliament.
  • Vladimir Putin releasing the single ‘I’m Still Vladdy from the Bloc’ in 2005.

Although we can’t say for certain that Owen Smith is some sort of Joker-esque serial freak on the quiet, we can say for certain that he claims he isn’t, and that almost certainly means that he is.




Featured image via Wikimedia / Flickr

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed