Would-be Labour supporters must own the 12″ vinyl of “Things can only get better”

Alex McNamara

Following a frankly unsettling paperchase through several of north west London’s more gentrified neighbourhoods, Off The Perch has managed to obtain the following leaked document:


Dear members of the Parliamentary Labour Party,

Your undivided attention, please.

It doesn’t matter what we throw at him, Obi-Wan just won’t take the hint.  It’s getting serious now: the man’s a boomerang covered in dogsh*t. The whole bloody country’s distracted by some of the most mental stuff we’ve ever seen on record, but we still can’t get the old codger out. For f**k’s sake people.

Many of you correctly predicted he wouldn’t bugger off, no-matter what. Bully for you, you were right. Whatever these things are called “morals” and “principles”, they seem to be proving tougher to crack than some of us initially thought. (We must get some of those.)

No matter what we do, no matter how many journalists we buy off, no matter how many media slur campaigns we run – his support just keeps gaining momentum. (Pun intended). These bloody hippies and trollops with pitchforks just won’t be dissuaded from supporting him. Even branding him a Jew-hating, IRA-loving, terrorist-hugging communist didn’t work. Ridiculous, I know. It’s like these numpties are listening to what he says, instead of what we’re telling them he says.

So now we must take matters into our own hands, my insidious lizard-friends. I have consulted our lawyers, who’ve recommended we don’t go with my previous suggestion, accusing Corbyn of looking a bit like a paedophile. (Something about “unsubstantiated claims” and a “potential lawsuit” – it’s a real shame.) However, what they did come up with was a fantastical array of legal loopholes we can use to silence the peasants. It’s the best we’ve got. It doesn’t matter how pathetic or obviously desperate we come across now – absolutely nothing is off the table. After all, you know what happens if Corbyn remains as leader, or God forbid, even gets into power… and I don’t want to sell one or more of my cars or holiday homes, any more than you do.

Here’s the plan:

  • STAGE ONE: All lowly hut-dwellers who paid £3 to support Jeremy Corbyn: we shaft them straight away. After all, many of them are struggling to feed their families: they’re pretty powerless, and in all likelihood can’t afford the bus-fare to actually come yell at us in person. (And if they do, we might get another “wastrels and vagabonds” story out of it. Maybe a chance to use the water-cannon.)
  • STAGE TWO: Just to insult all the poor people and those who’ve already paid even more, we raise the “joining fee” of the Labour Party to £25. No sodding way will the majority be able to afford that (take that, you godawful plebs). And those who still insist on supporting that wannabe-Gandalf motherf**ker, well, we’ll hit them where it hurts: in their wallets. Maybe get to spend their money later on too. Corbyn won’t spend it, he paid for his own push-bike after all.
  • STAGE THREE: Good old-fashioned censorship. We ban all votes from Corbyn supporters who swear, or who use any of the most commonly used expletives/insults used to describe us. (Also to please include the term “c**k-womble”, I really hate that one.)
  • STAGE FOUR: We blacklist anyone who’s never owned a £50 note, driven a Mercedes Benz, or attended Wimbledon. Also Star Trek fans who’ve learned “Klingon”.
  • STAGE FIVE: Any would-be Labour supporters must own the 12″ vinyl of “Things can only get better”, and have bought it in 1997. A receipt will be required. (I think they only sold about ten, so we should be ok.) DJ promo copies don’t count.

Thank you so much for your cooperation, and please do remember – we have your children.

Kindest regards,

Richie C.

The Rt Hon Lord Coups-a-lot of Turd-water, Lord High Inquisitor of the Labour Party NEC.

PS: Those of you who haven’t completed the required number of goat sacrifices to Darth Blair, must do so by 4pm.

Featured image via RockOfAges.com.

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