When Labour members were awoken by the sound of an incoming text message in the early hours of Sunday morning, they all knew what time it was:
Poor form from team Owen Smith, trying to sleep off a hangover over here. pic.twitter.com/TqGmfymD5i
— Matt Turner (@MattTurner4L) July 30, 2016
But all was not as it seemed.
We spoke to two young Labour members to find out what went through their heads when they got the message:
Lisa: “When I heard my phone go off, I knew it would be someone wanting a little something-something, but I never expected the person contacting me to be Owen Smith.”
Brian: “I felt exactly the same, and although I’ve supported Jeremy all the way, I can’t say that I wasn’t a little bit curious.”
Lisa: “A little bit excited even.”
Brian: “Definitely. But when I scrolled down to see what he was offering, there wasn’t even a picture attached.”
Lisa: “Not even of his balls.”
Brian: “Not even of his sweaty back!”
Lisa: “It’s just rude really. Can you imagine waking someone up at that time of night and asking them to put out, and yet not even giving them a little sneak peak in return?”
Brian: “It’s obscene.”
The Smith camp has been quick to claim that when Owen decided to mass-harass several hundred thousand young Labour voters, he simply forgot to attach a picture.
This latest faux-pas has also troubled the UK’s modern masters of etiquette, however, and none more so than The Daily Mail’s Arts and Culture editor, Quentin Tryhard-Funsuckle:
Quentin: “Yes, I heard all about Owen’s faux-pas – a frightful business really. Did you know that in the Tudor times the punishment for sending a late-night booty-pigeon without a suitably erotic etching was death by a thousand cannons?”
Off the Perch: “Err… that doesn’t… sound right…”
Quentin: “I know – it’s hard to imagine that anyone could possibly be so uncouth. And yet here comes Owen Smith. He’s just a ghastly creature really, and to think we all thought he couldn’t sink any lower than his penchant for domestic abuse metaphors.”
Off the Perch: “Would you say that d*ckgate is a bigger blunder than when Jeremy Corbyn didn’t quite nod enough that one time?”
Quentin: “I’d honestly say that it’s the biggest societal transgression since Prince Phillip.”
Off the Perch: “Since Prince Phillip what?”
Quentin: “Everything, just since Prince Phillip.”
Although Smith does claim that the lack of a d*ck pic was an oversight, he still hasn’t sent one out to compensate for this early omission – leading many to speculate that he may have taken advantage of his position at Pfizer and overindulged on Viagra – leaving his todger as worn-out and limp as his suggestion that we should replace zero hour contracts with…
…one hour contracts.
The fact that Owen is once more being ridiculed by the media begs the question:
WHO IS THIS PERSON FOR?
He says he’s left-wing, so that’s a big no-no for the press and the Tories – he worked for Pfizer, so that’s a big no-no for people who would like to vote for a human being – and he’s also promising a second EU referendum if he wins – DEMONSTRABLY ALIENATING A VERY OPINIONATED 52% OF VOTERS.
Unfortunately for J.K. Rowling and Ross Kemp, they’ve backed a New Labour stooge who has the uninspiring wishy-washiness of Ed Milliband, the supposedly unelectable policies of Jeremy Corbyn, and maybe, just maybe, the shrivelled genitalia of a long-term Viagra abuser.
At least that’s what we assume his genitals look like, because the f*cking tease refuses to give us a look.
For shame, Owen Smith.
Featured image via John Shafthauer / Pixabay