The Sun has been left embarrassed today (or at least it would be if it had any shame) after one of its top journa…
No – I literally can’t even type it.
Essentially, one of the people it employs to generate puns accidentally left a USB stick containing all of their upcoming Jeremy Corbyn smears on a bus. Off The Perch’s extensive links in the bus driving community mean we’ve been able to get our hands on the stick without the usual squalid bidding war.
If you’re trying to avoid spoilers about what you will be led to believe about Jeremy Corbyn in the upcoming months, you should probably stop reading now.
The list of over 10,000 potential smears includes the following:
- Corbyn once described Russell Brand as the thinking man’s Trotsky.
- Safe words used by Corbyn during kinky sex have included ‘nationalisation’, ‘1980s’, and ‘knitwear’.
- Corbyn thinks that Liam Gallagher has really hit his stride since leaving Oasis.
- Corbyn still thinks that the bulge in David Bowie’s trousers in Labyrinth may have actually just been a banana.
- Inside Corbyn are a series of progressively smaller Corbyns – like a communist nesting doll.
- Corbyn failed his MOT because he has no mirrors on the right-wing of his plough.
- Corbyn’s hair is such a mess because he cuts it himself with a sickle.
- Corbyn wants to reopen and nationalise Blockbuster video so that he can switch their entire library to Beta-Max as Marx intended.
- Corbyn wears makeup to hide the fact that he hasn’t stopped blushing since accidentally watching an episode of Sex and the City on a plane journey.
- Corbyn’s squat is overrun with squirrels because who is he to throw them out?
- Corbyn thinks that the sunshine, moonlight, and good times are the ones who benefit most from our scapegoating of the boogie.
- Corbyn refuses to ‘STOP!’ immediately before Hammertime.
- Corbyn was ‘The Stig’ on the BBC’s failed re-boot of Top Gear.
- Corbyn plants flowers in the middle of his lawn because he doesn’t believe in borders.
- Corbyn is convinced that Boris Johnson is an acid flashback.
- Corbyn worries that health and safety laws aren’t sufficiently politically correct.
- Corbyn thinks that Hull is other people.
- Since 1968, Corbyn has been unsuccessfully trying to seduce a Russian politician so that he can later quip, ‘now that’s what I call a Soviet Union’.
- Corbyn thinks that the answer to the meaning of life is craft ale, socialism, and hot underpants fresh from the dryer.
- Corbyn is planning on voting for Owen Smith because he loves losers.
- Corbyn approves of auto-tune because it ‘levels the playing field’.
- Corbyn bullied Barack Obama at the gay, terrorist primary school they both attended in Kenya.
- Corbyn’s milkshake didn’t bring anybody to anywhere.
- Corbyn roots for the extras in movies.
- Corbyn still hasn’t deleted the free U2 album that Apple gave him.
- Corbyn’s plan for peace between Israel and Palestine does nothing for aboriginal Australians – let alone three-legged dogs.
- Comrade Corbyn uses exactly the same amount of toilet roll every time, just like Marx said we should.
- Corbyn refused to shout ‘I’m Spartacus!’ because he felt that Spartacus’ plan to liberate the slaves didn’t go far enough.
The Sun’s official response to the leak on their Twitter account was, “SOZ! LULZ!!!!!!!!!”
Which isn’t surprising, because if you can get away with the sort of horror that they regularly perpetrate, you don’t really need to waste your time pretending that you give a sh*t.