Boris and Fox to settle foreign policy dispute by balloon race

John Shafthauer

It was always expected that there would be tension between David Davis, Liam Fox, and Boris Johnson – the ministers who Theresa May appointed to clean up the mess that they…

…err…

…that is to say the ministers that she appointed to oversee Brexit, foreign trade, and whatever it is that Boris thinks he’s doing.

via GIPHY

Despite the fact that these are largely awful men who would probably struggle to get along with themselves, the PM decided to stick them all in the same mansion together – which to the over-privileged sensibilities of a Tory big beast is a situation more demeaning than that of being a battery farmed gammon-hog.

The first row has broken out much more quickly than anyone could have anticipated, however, with Fox demanding that he is given all of the good jobs so that Boris can focus on ensuring MI6 don’t drop the ball with the next 007 movie.

via GIPHY

To settle the dispute, the gentlemen have decided to compete in an around-the-world balloon race. The aim is to insult 80 countries in 80 days, although bonus points will also be awarded for:

  • Most infrastructure projects awarded to foreign dystopias.
  • Most missiles sold to countries engaged in illegal conflicts (on the assurance that our weapons will only be used for non-illegal/ornamental purposes).
  • Fastest apology in the face of Russian aggression.

Although Theresa May is said to be “sick to her stomach with the antics of these mash-brained tripe-bags”, she is unfortunately treading water in a very shallow pool of talent. It’s also the case that the trio were the only three patriotic enough not to laugh themselves into a very painful hernia when being offered the job.

Regardless of who comes out on top, however, we should rest assured that the responsibility of carrying out our weightiest decision since The Battle of Britpop is being carried out by such credible and responsible politicians.

Featured image via Flickr / Flickr / Flickr

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed