Team GB ‘only started training after Brexit’, claims Leave.EU

Wilson Belshaw

When Leave.EU claimed that Team GB’s smashing Olympic success is evidence of us being able to go it alone, many pointed out the following concerns with the group’s ‘logic’:

  • The period of uncertainty (which will cling to us like a McDonald’s stink clings to the insides of a Peugeot 306) isn’t going to be alleviated just because Greg from Bletchley did a big jump. And it’s this uncertainty, which will only evaporate after Brexit is actually achieved, that will stop investors from investing.
  • 99% of their training was carried out before the referendum, and technically we’re still in the EU, so what are you even on about?

However, it has now emerged that Leave.EU was right all along, and that most of our Olympians didn’t even start training until after the referendum had taken place.

We spoke to Lindsey Tigereye – the uphill-kayak gold medallist – to find out exactly what happened:

Before the referendum, most of us were so paralysed with EU-mistrust that we couldn’t even bring ourselves to train. Most days we’d just look out to sea and worry – dreading whatever banana-related travesty the EU was going to inflict upon us next.

The EU was especially hard to bear as a globe-trotting athlete, because the concept of bringing nations together in the spirit of camaraderie is everything that the Olympics stands against.

Most of us avoided using our training facilities too, as many of them had been partially funded by the EU, and so any athletic gain would have been tainted by the anti-Olympian spirit of cooperation.

As soon as the referendum was over though, I got down to my local leisure centre and worked harder than Nigel Farage’s moustache trimmers must have been doing every day until last month. The fact that he was able to keep a beast like that tamed is truly testament to his no-job-too-big spirit.

Professional male groomers have criticised Nigel’s moustache of course – saying that it makes him look like he’s been caught rimming the plughole of a metal band’s tour bus shower room – but I think people in this country have had enough of expert opinion.

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/766578017195921410

Leave.EU is also claiming that Brexit has seen Britain excel in the following areas, and that this excellence definitely has nothing to do with the decades of training which took place prior to the referendum:

  • Queuing.
  • Andy Murray (unless Scotland makes the insane decision to leave the union).
  • Ken Loach winning the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival.
  • Upcoming new Stone Roses album.
  • More than two consecutive days of sunshine.

Featured image via Flickr

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