Team GB ‘only started training after Brexit’, claims Leave.EU

When Leave.EU claimed that Team GB’s smashing Olympic success is evidence of us being able to go it alone, many pointed out the following concerns with the group’s ‘logic’:

  • The period of uncertainty (which will cling to us like a McDonald’s stink clings to the insides of a Peugeot 306) isn’t going to be alleviated just because Greg from Bletchley did a big jump. And it’s this uncertainty, which will only evaporate after Brexit is actually achieved, that will stop investors from investing.
  • 99% of their training was carried out before the referendum, and technically we’re still in the EU, so what are you even on about?

However, it has now emerged that Leave.EU was right all along, and that most of our Olympians didn’t even start training until after the referendum had taken place.

We spoke to Lindsey Tigereye – the uphill-kayak gold medallist – to find out exactly what happened:

Before the referendum, most of us were so paralysed with EU-mistrust that we couldn’t even bring ourselves to train. Most days we’d just look out to sea and worry – dreading whatever banana-related travesty the EU was going to inflict upon us next.

The EU was especially hard to bear as a globe-trotting athlete, because the concept of bringing nations together in the spirit of camaraderie is everything that the Olympics stands against.

Most of us avoided using our training facilities too, as many of them had been partially funded by the EU, and so any athletic gain would have been tainted by the anti-Olympian spirit of cooperation.

As soon as the referendum was over though, I got down to my local leisure centre and worked harder than Nigel Farage’s moustache trimmers must have been doing every day until last month. The fact that he was able to keep a beast like that tamed is truly testament to his no-job-too-big spirit.

Read on...

Professional male groomers have criticised Nigel’s moustache of course – saying that it makes him look like he’s been caught rimming the plughole of a metal band’s tour bus shower room – but I think people in this country have had enough of expert opinion.

Leave.EU is also claiming that Brexit has seen Britain excel in the following areas, and that this excellence definitely has nothing to do with the decades of training which took place prior to the referendum:

  • Queuing.
  • Andy Murray (unless Scotland makes the insane decision to leave the union).
  • Ken Loach winning the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival.
  • Upcoming new Stone Roses album.
  • More than two consecutive days of sunshine.

Featured image via Flickr

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed