Tories to replace ‘Human Rights Act’ with ‘Human Wrongs Act’

John Shafthauer

Following her successful management of foreign cheese and pork markets, Liz Truss has been put in charge of completely rewriting the Human Rights Act – i.e. the document which entitles us to do things like exist and live.

Although many would argue that the Human Rights Act can’t be that great if it allows the Tories to get away with the frequent foul play that they’re known for, it does at least function as the codpiece of legality that protects us from the wayward corkies of injustice. It’s also almost certainly far more human-friendly than what the Tories plan on installing in its place.

The planned replacement is known as the ‘Human Wrongs Act’. The idea is that telling people they have all of these non-wealth related privileges gives them the impression that they have the same right to exist as people like Sir Phillip Green, Donald Trump, or Mr Burns from The Simpsons.

It’s better, the Tories reason, that we increase the things to which poor people have no entitlement. Better so that these people more clearly understand their place.

According to a leaked memo, if this bill of Human Wrongs is passed, 99% of the population will no longer have the right to:

  • Privacy.
  • Be left alone just because they didn’t break the law.
  • Question politicians about their policies – either when they pledge them or fail to enact them.
  • Choose to become disabled, sick, old, poor, or f*cked.
  • Stare a banker directly in the eye.
  • Twitter.
  • Enjoy the music of Billy Bragg, Joni Mitchell, or The Wombles (no-good, recycling hippy-rats!).
  • Sport a moustache that appears to be making some sort of statement (unless that statement is I’m Nigel Farage… Get me Out of Here!).
  • Wear their hats at a jaunty angle.
  • Root for the good guys in a movie.
  • Enjoy the humour of Ian Hislop, Josie Long, or whatever this sh*t you’re reading is.
  • Enjoy any humour that isn’t at someone less fortunate’s expense.
  • Foreplay.
  • Appear as a contestant on The Apprentice and not come across as a total ars*hole.
  • Selflessness.
  • Selfies on a stick.
  • Dogs – they can sense evil. Also, they can smell cancer, and you will henceforth be charged for the privilege of being diagnosed with anything more serious than a sneeze.
  • Look the other way while we’re stealing their money. We’re not f*cking around anymore: we’re ripping them off, and we want them to know that we’re ripping them off. We want them to look us straight in the eye and tell us that they’re sorry while we bully them – to apologise while we scream, “Do you understand, you filthy gutter-swine? We own you. WE OWN YOU!”
  • Own a finger puppet which doesn’t at least get to know them a little bit first.
  • Free speech – speech will now cost £7 per 140 characters with an additional £3 surcharge added per insightful remark.
  • Complain.
  • Feign surprise when we do something ghoulish. The current cabinet has more disgrace and horror than an uncut episode of Top of the Pops 2 – we really can’t make our intentions any clearer.
  • Expect anything better.

Of course, if the Tories do enact this brutal act, there is one thing that we can do to reverse it all. Unfortunately, however, we’ll no longer have the right to do it, so it looks like we may in fact be screwed.

Featured image via John Shafthauer / Flickr

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