And what a week it was!
A week which saw the Tories reveal their plan for Brexit (that they don’t have one) and their proposals for the future of education (to reintroduce the derided grammar schools of the past). And one in which Owen Smith reassuringly assured us all that he couldn’t possibly be sexist (“let me just mansplain that for you, darling”).
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
“It’s our job to build on Voldemort’s policies”, claims Harry Potter in new book
by John Shafthauer
J.K. Rowling has announced a surprising 8th entry into the Harry Potter franchise today – a book which will be called Harry Potter and the Oil War of Moderation.
According to a source close to the author, Rowling wrote the new novel in one frantic, curse-muttering sitting. Allegedly, the purpose of it is to make the series more directly comparable to the arc of her beloved Tony Blair’s New Labour – namely so that she can, in her own words:
Prove once and for all that centrist philosophies are the Gryffindor of politics.
Quite how comparing real life to fictional tales of magic proves anything is unclear. But hey, it’s always worked for mainstream religion.
Unlike mainstream religion, however, Rowling isn’t forced into giving alternative readings of her own texts, and can actually just write further books to more explicitly prove her point.
“So what do you think Brexit is?” the Minister for Brexit asks the public
by John Shafthauer
David Davis, the Minister for Brexit, has announced that when it comes to the issue he’s in charge of, the plan is:
To build a national consensus.
Davis followed this idea up with a statement that he made to a bartender later that night:
We need ideas from the public – pronto! Err… by which I mean we would like opinions from them – no rush. By which I mean… err… hmm.
The problem with the notion of getting a public consensus about Brexit is that we already quite recently canvassed for one – primarily by having a massive, nationwide referendum.
The result of this colossal public poll was that nearly half of us were simply not in favour of it. The other half were for it, and yet also quite divided about what ‘for it’ actually entailed – with some wanting to reject the Western neoliberal order, others wanting to build a massive wall of death around the island, and others who weren’t really sure what they wanted (beyond, that is, the vague certainty that whatever it was, they were 100% sure that they wanted it).
Mile-long ‘Great Wall of Calais’ to keep out refugees who can’t just walk another mile
by John Shafthauer
Having retired for the summer to consider how Brexit might affect inter-ethnic relations, the Conservatives have returned with an idea so fresh that you could dice it up and whack it in a KFC salad bucket – namely to build a big f*cking wall.
The wall will be on either side of the motorway in Calais as it approaches the main ferry port. This is the point where refugees and migrants are known to try and jump on to lorries in an attempt to illegally gain entry. Or at least that’s the point which is known for that now, as obviously once the wall is up they’ll have to do it a bit further up the road, which will be somewhat of an inconvenience for everyone involved.
Besides the practical criticisms, however, there are the symbolic issues which have historically always arisen when a country decides to build a massive wall of oppression out of concrete, barbed wire, and hatred.
Satirists give up on Owen Smith and leave him to get on with it himself
by John Ranson
The nation’s satirists, commentators and general piss-takers have come to the conclusion that it’s just not worth lampooning wannabe Labour leader Owen Smith. Basically, even the most carefully crafted and sharply observed comedy scenarios can’t hold a candle to Smith’s real-life trail of hilarious foot shooting.
In trying to combine the superficially folksy but ultimately irritating ‘nice Welsh bloke’ persona of Neil Kinnock, the shady business links and privatising zeal of a lab-grown Blairite, and the policies of, er, Jeremy Corbyn, Smith has constructed a comedy persona for the ages.
But the Smith brand is far from backward-looking. A steady, relentless stream of off-colour quips shows that he’s happy to swim in the foul smelling stream of modern ‘comedy’, characterised by the phrase “it’s just banter”. Sometimes, the clumsy offensiveness seems to flow so naturally it’s hard to tell whether or not he’s doing it on purpose.
Theresa May’s gag writer “walks into a bar” and suffers a serious concussion
by John Shafthauer
The United Kingdom government has been left completely gagless today – following the unfortunate head-bashing of the PM’s top bants-generator.
Gags, puns, and japes have all been a crucial part of political discourse ever since politicians realised that they have neither the stomach nor burden of scrutiny to actually answer questions.
Although media outlets were happy to largely just let them get away with it, they did also need a means to gauge the performance of rival politicians, and so we now find ourselves in the position where sh*t jokes act as a substitute for answers.
This is why the press will often completely ignore that the PM is avoiding answers more thoroughly than a parliamentary misconduct review, and instead rate political performance solely by how on-point the zingers were.
Tory grammar schools to save fortunate few from Tory education system
by John Shafthauer
After several weeks of umming-and-aahing, the Tories have finally announced their plans to scrawl lipstick on the dead pig of education and implement new grammar schools.
Theresa May is assuring us that grammar schools will take a small proportion of pupils from low income households. This is wonderful for those of us in that position* – as it instils in us a feeling like we’ve been incorrectly declared bankrupt and told:
Don’t worry – here’s a scratch card – if you get on lucky on that, you’re sorted.
This is what Theresa May herself had to say when she forgot to turn her microphone off following the actual announcement:
The fact of the matter is that the education system we inherited from the last government is more rickety than a 1930s rollercoaster – and I should know because I was in that government.
What has Theresa’s Tories’ biggest post-break cock-up been? [POLL]
When the Tories decided that honouring their right to a holiday was more important than getting on with that Brexit thing they’d just made happen, most of us thought:
Well at least it will give them time to get their act together.
The Tories have come back having somehow managed to make themselves more incompetent than ever – a feat which theoretical scientists had previously believed to be impossible.
But what has their biggest cock-up so far been?
REVEALED! Thatcher’s secret plan for a Tory ‘Star Trek’ with right-wing ideals
by John Shafthauer
It was the 50th anniversary of Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek this week and, coincidentally, a freedom-of-information request has unearthed Margaret Thatcher’s plans for a rival TV show called Space Crusade.
Allegedly, in the final days of Thatcher’s premiership – when paranoia was high and purpose was low – the PM happened to catch an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and was more horrified by it than the time she thought a homeless gentleman had broken into parliament.
The following is a list of said ideas:
- That ship looks rather expensive. I’m assured by my good friends at Northern Rail that thanks to the wonderfully progressive powers of privatisation they’ll still be able to run the same rail shuttles in 2016 that they’re running now. With that in mind, I don’t see why we can’t use those exact same trains as spaceships in 300 years time? One would simply have to tape some rocket boosters to the sides of them, I’m sure. Although obviously we’d have to increase the fares quite a bit – running the same vehicle for several centuries doesn’t pay for itself.
- Are they all living on the ship? Seems like social-bloody-housing to me – shouldn’t we have sold all that off by then? Really, those apartments should be the property of wealthy aliens, and the crew should be hanging on to the outside of the ship like barnacles.
- The replicators appear to be giving out free milk. Just… I mean… have I really had so little influence on society that people still think sharing and cooperation are okay!? Good grief! I’m happy for the replicators to give something out for free, but only if what they’re dispensing is a righteous kick up the backside! Although saying that, they should also charge for said kick, and all of the profits should go to the ship’s shareholders. That’ll teach the damn free-loading workers a lesson – always expecting something for nothing!
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