The former Prime Minister and national security aficionado David Cameron has come forward today to make us all aware of the latest threat to our safety – namely, David Cameron himself.
This is what Captain Dave Security had to say while simultaneously trying to perform a citizen’s arrest on himself:
As you all know I’m – TAKE THAT!
Sorry – I’m having a little trouble restraining this slippery sh*t – STOP STRUGGLING, I SAY!
Continue reading below...
As I was explaining, no one is more interested in national security than myself, and when I read the report into the colossal cock-up that I made in Libya, I knew that something had to be done – UNHAND ME, YOU SWEATY, SAUSAGE-FINGERED PIE!
At this point, the former PM produced a red-hot branding iron that had the words ‘TERRORIST SYMPATHISER’ moulded into it – a brand which he then attempted to brand himself with, even as he furiously fought against himself doing so:
This is what you get! – NO NOT THAT! – Quiet you! – STOP! PLEASE DON’T! – Shut up! – OW! – Ah ha! – IT BURNS! – Taste my patriotism! – I DON’T WANT TO! – Just try it! It’s gammony! – OH, GO ON THEN! – Yes, that’s the ticket! – A LITTLE TO THE LEFT!
After several minutes of this, David Cameron was finally able to restrain David Cameron. David Cameron then proceeded to frog-march David Cameron to The Hague where he belongs. The shamed and humiliated David Cameron shouted this as David Cameron led him away:
HOW COULD A BRITISH PRIME MINISTER IN 2011 PREDICT THAT A MILITARY INTERVENTION WITH NO FOLLOW-UP PLAN HAD THE POTENTIAL TO GO AWRY!?
Tony Blair, meanwhile, has come forward to defend David Cameron – saying that:
As long as you say that you did it with the best intentions, it’s all absolutely fine. Err… I mean as long as you actually did do it with the best intentions, it’s all absolutely fine. Although saying that, I’m not sure that people like us owe people like you answers anyway.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a dinner function on world peace this evening, and my money-sense is tingling.
Although yet another British intervention has been shown to have caused more problems/deaths/chaos than it averted, please don’t let that stop you from listening to the MPs who keep voting for this sh*t. The same MPs who keep ignoring these issues as they unfold. The same MPs who keep letting those in charge get away scot-free afterwards.
Anything less would be unpatriotic.
And you’re not a terrorist sympathiser, are you?
Since you're here ...
We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.