David Cameron is “a threat to national security”, confirms David Cameron

Support us and go ad-free

The former Prime Minister and national security aficionado David Cameron has come forward today to make us all aware of the latest threat to our safety – namely, David Cameron himself.


This is what Captain Dave Security had to say while simultaneously trying to perform a citizen’s arrest on himself:

As you all know I’m – TAKE THAT!

Sorry – I’m having a little trouble restraining this slippery sh*t – STOP STRUGGLING, I SAY!

As I was explaining, no one is more interested in national security than myself, and when I read the report into the colossal cock-up that I made in Libya, I knew that something had to be done – UNHAND ME, YOU SWEATY, SAUSAGE-FINGERED PIE!

At this point, the former PM produced a red-hot branding iron that had the words ‘TERRORIST SYMPATHISER’ moulded into it – a brand which he then attempted to brand himself with, even as he furiously fought against himself doing so:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

This is what you get! – NO NOT THAT! – Quiet you! – STOP! PLEASE DON’T! – Shut up! – OW! – Ah ha! – IT BURNS! – Taste my patriotism! – I DON’T WANT TO! – Just try it! It’s gammony! – OH, GO ON THEN! – Yes, that’s the ticket! – A LITTLE TO THE LEFT!

After several minutes of this, David Cameron was finally able to restrain David Cameron. David Cameron then proceeded to frog-march David Cameron to The Hague where he belongs. The shamed and humiliated David Cameron shouted this as David Cameron led him away:


Tony Blair, meanwhile, has come forward to defend David Cameron – saying that:

As long as you say that you did it with the best intentions, it’s all absolutely fine. Err… I mean as long as you actually did do it with the best intentions, it’s all absolutely fine. Although saying that, I’m not sure that people like us owe people like you answers anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a dinner function on world peace this evening, and my money-sense is tingling.

Although yet another British intervention has been shown to have caused more problems/deaths/chaos than it averted, please don’t let that stop you from listening to the MPs who keep voting for this sh*t. The same MPs who keep ignoring these issues as they unfold. The same MPs who keep letting those in charge get away scot-free afterwards.

Anything less would be unpatriotic.

And you’re not a terrorist sympathiser, are you?

Featured image via Twitter / Google Maps

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed