The world-famous inventor Elon Musk has announced plans to flee from planet Earth like a super-smart rat from a moronically sinking ship.
Musk was coy about his intentions at first – claiming that our dispersion throughout the stars was simply the best means of ensuring that our species endures. But since witnessing the latest Trump-related fiasco (the one in which the Donald accused Clinton of personally murdering Harambe the gorilla with her witch magic), the inventor has come forward to admit that planet Earth is just f*cked:
When the internet first came out, I thought it would be a great resource for disseminating information and understanding. Unfortunately, it also turned out to be an excellent means of sharing nonsense and butt-hurtery.
Who could have predicted that barely two decades after Google and Wikipedia gave us the means to research political candidates, we’d be faced with a choice between Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton? Or that many voters would actually find themselves in favour of one of these absolute horror-bastards?
This planet… this planet isn’t working.
I know that in Britain they’ve had enough of experts, so my plan is to round-up all of their unwanted specialists, and use them to form a genuinely functional colony on Mars.
I believe that this will work out best for both planets. The humans of Mars will be able to put their efforts into creating a sustainable and mutually beneficial society. The humans of Earth, meanwhile, will be able to carry on blaming all of their problems on whoever the people responsible for them tell them to.
Read on...Support us and go ad-free
They’ll also get to prove that us science-types were wrong about climate change all along. Or die a long and painful death as a result of floods, droughts, and extreme weather events. But hey, you win some you lose some, right?
If you’d like to join Elon Musk and his colonisers of Mars, just be aware that if you ever return, it will be to discover that papers like The Daily Mail have convinced everyone that a Martian invasion is imminent. Probably on the basis that Martians are lazy cowards who endure year-long space journeys because they want to steal all of Earth’s culture and benefits. Even though there probably won’t be much of either by that point.
So yeah – maybe just don’t come back.
Because why on Mars would you?
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?