The Conservative Party Conference drew attention to itself this week when it cancelled an event titled ‘From Poverty to Prosperity’ – apparently in an attempt to do to irony what asteroids did to the dinosaurs.
What you may not realise is how many other talks, demonstrations, and seminars have been cancelled. This is especially true this year, as a result of 12 months of complete and abject Fukushima-grade hyper-f*ckery.
One of Off the Perch‘s specialist dustbin riflers has managed to get hold of a list of every cancelled event, however, and we are now able to present them to you in all of their gruesome and gory glory:
- Please, Sir? Can I Have Some Score? – Why Workhouses Are a British Institution Ripe for Privatisation.
- How We Brought Margaret Thatcher to Life – by Jim Henson’s Creature Workshop.
- Don’t Fear the Creeper – How to Harvest Souls and Still Enjoy Your £37 Breakfast – by Iain Duncan Smith.
- The A to Z of Cross Country Election Fraud.
- George Osborne – Super Chancellor (cancelled in March).
- George Osborne – Chancellor (cancelled in May).
- George Osborne – Human Shaped Person-Thing (cancelled due to lack of interest).
- How to Imitate Human Emotions.
- David Cameron – What Went Wrong?
- David Cameron – What Went Right?
- The Environment – What is it, and Why Can’t We Just Shoot It in The Face?
- Is It Time To Start Eating the Scouse?
- Boris Johnson’s ‘Beyond Bongo-Bongo Land’ – An Idiot’s Guide to Being Foreign Secretary.
- What Would Satan Do? A Conservative Guide to Countering Christian Ethics.
- How to Talk About Poor People Without Pissing Your Sides Laughing.
- An Expert Guide to Ignoring Experts.
- A Patriotic Guide to Selling National Heritage Sites to Foreign Industrialists.
- Disgrace – The New Pride – by Liam Fox.
- I Can’t Believe They’re Not Bitter – How to Use Fears About Immigration to Make Sure the People We F*ck Over Keep Voting for Us.
- There’s More Than One Way to Skin a Cat – by Priti Patel *WARNING – WILL INVOLVE REAL LIFE CATS*
- National Hunt Service – Jeremy Hunt’s Plan to Have Junior Doctors Fluff His Ego Seven Days a Week.
- Plebs – How to Call Them Plebs and Get Away With It.
Conservatives who are disappointed to learn about any of these cancellations should be reassured to know that the following events will still be taking place:
- Spot the Pickle – with Sir Eric Pickles.
- Major Lasers – the Lightshow to End All Lightshows – with John Major.
- Purple Hague – a Jimi Hendrix-Inspired Burlesque Show Featuring William Hague and his Silk Parasol.
So yes – have fun with all of that, and try not to let the fact that you are doing terribly by every conceivable measure get in the way of the celebrations.
Featured image via Flickr
We need your help ...
The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.
Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.
We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.
Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?