Tories to ban foreigners “to make life easier for football commentators”

Support us and go ad-free

The government’s new plan to get rid of foreigners may well prove popular among beleaguered football commentators who’ve spent the last three decades getting players’ names wrong.

Regardless of the many reasons voters may have had for choosing to leave the EU, the Tories seem to have interpreted the result as a massive mandate for xenophobia. The ghosts of Enoch Powell and Alf Garnett have been summoned, and the decree has been issued:

Foreigners not welcome

In a speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has outlined plans to compel companies to list their foreign employees, in a bid to name and shame those that have too many on their books. Maybe it was just some prankster fooling around with her autocue, but Rudd’s words have taken the Tories so far from the ‘centre ground’, or indeed the realm of common sense, that even the Institute of Directors has been forced to complain.

But this great leap backwards could herald a return to the golden era of English football, when players had solid, comfortable names such as Bobby, Stanley and Jimmy. England might even win the World Cup again. Recent times, especially since the advent of the Premier League, have seen a spate of names so challenging to the English tongue that, in the early days, fans and commentators alike didn’t even bother trying. Even now, it normally takes about three seasons for everybody to agree on a pronunciation, which is still different from how the player’s mum would say it.

The object of Rudd’s queasily chilling proposal is to ensure that foreigners aren’t doing jobs that could be done by British workers. On this criterion alone, the Zlatans and Sergios should be safe as houses.

Of course, the idea of a cap on the number of foreign players (as a way of encouraging homegrown talent) has been around for years. But it has never been adopted because football is run as a business, not a sport. And because of the vast amounts of money the overseas players pay in tax make for Sky TV. So expect a wonderful Tory future of still paying through the nose to watch an expensively-assembled array of international stars but just not being able to get a kebab or a taxi home afterwards.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Featured image via Wikimedia / Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed