When Boris Johnson was appointed Foreign Secretary, the people of Britain were prepared for it. For a start, we had our famous sense of humour. A sense of humour which we developed as a defence mechanism against the conveyor-belt of bastards who’ve ruled over us.
We’ve also had several years of ministers being chosen for their ironic value. Ministers which have included:
- NHS privatisation fiend Jeremy Hunt as Health Secretary.
- Andrea Leadsom as Environment Secretary. A woman whose first major move when she joined the Department for Energy and Climate Change was to ask whether climate change was real.
- Iain Duncan Smith as a human being.
The EU, however, has been woefully unprepared for such high-level bants. As such, they’ve failed to see the humour of BoJo turning up and performing recycled comedy routines from the 1970s. This buffoonery reached a peak during an exchange with Italy’s Economic Development Minister, Carlo Calenda. An exchange which Calenda related to Bloomberg:
He basically said, ‘I don’t want free movement of people but I want the single market,’” said Calenda. “I said, ‘no way.’ He said, ‘you’ll sell less prosecco.’ I said, ‘OK, you’ll sell less fish and chips, but I’ll sell less prosecco to one country and you’ll sell less to 27 countries.’ Putting things on this level is a bit insulting.
Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary is great – no one shrugs him off as bumbling Boris abroad – they just tell him he's a fucking idiot.
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) November 16, 2016
Stiff upper quip
Since Calenda came forward, several other economic ministers have related tales of Johnson’s arse-headed tomfoolery. The Belgian Vice Chancellor was the first to speak out, telling Off The Perch that:
Boris drove into the meeting in a small electric car. The kind of vehicle which you might give to your grandchild as a play-trinket. He was wearing a fez and pomping his little horn as he drove around the room. ‘What are you about, Mr Secretary?’ I asked him. ‘I’m having my cake and eating it!’ he shouted in return. Then he hit himself in the face with a custard pie and drove out of our office. He didn’t even take the mineral water we had provided. He didn’t even take the moules-frites.
A German economic adviser said that Boris:
Refused to engage in debate. And then he began doing a comedy routine from Dad’s Army. ‘They don’t like it up ’em’ he shouted at us. ‘They don’t like it up ’em!
I begged with him to engage. Pleaded with him. I said that although I fully intended to get the best deal for my people, I still could not ignore the plight of his. That I could not stand by while he larked away their future for the giggles.
So I grabbed him by the lapels. I screamed at him. Mr Johnson! You are throwing away centuries of British progress for the sake of a frivolous whimsy! Please take a hold of yourself! And sit down and negotiate before it is too late!
And how did he respond? He squirted me in the face with his novelty pocket flower, and then he roly-polied out of The Bundestag.
This is Britain
…that isn’t funny is it?
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?