Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary – EU still not getting the joke

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When Boris Johnson was appointed Foreign Secretary, the people of Britain were prepared for it. For a start, we had our famous sense of humour. A sense of humour which we developed as a defence mechanism against the conveyor-belt of bastards who’ve ruled over us.

We’ve also had several years of ministers being chosen for their ironic value. Ministers which have included:

  • NHS privatisation fiend Jeremy Hunt as Health Secretary.
  • Andrea Leadsom as Environment Secretary. A woman whose first major move when she joined the Department for Energy and Climate Change was to ask whether climate change was real.
  • Iain Duncan Smith as a human being.

The EU, however, has been woefully unprepared for such high-level bants. As such, they’ve failed to see the humour of BoJo turning up and performing recycled comedy routines from the 1970s. This buffoonery reached a peak during an exchange with Italy’s Economic Development Minister, Carlo Calenda. An exchange which Calenda related to Bloomberg:

He basically said, ‘I don’t want free movement of people but I want the single market,’” said Calenda. “I said, ‘no way.’ He said, ‘you’ll sell less prosecco.’ I said, ‘OK, you’ll sell less fish and chips, but I’ll sell less prosecco to one country and you’ll sell less to 27 countries.’ Putting things on this level is a bit insulting.

Stiff upper quip

Since Calenda came forward, several other economic ministers have related tales of Johnson’s arse-headed tomfoolery. The Belgian Vice Chancellor was the first to speak out, telling Off The Perch that:

Boris drove into the meeting in a small electric car. The kind of vehicle which you might give to your grandchild as a play-trinket. He was wearing a fez and pomping his little horn as he drove around the room. ‘What are you about, Mr Secretary?’ I asked him. ‘I’m having my cake and eating it!’ he shouted in return. Then he hit himself in the face with a custard pie and drove out of our office. He didn’t even take the mineral water we had provided. He didn’t even take the moules-frites.

A German economic adviser said that Boris:

Refused to engage in debate. And then he began doing a comedy routine from Dad’s Army. ‘They don’t like it up ’em’ he shouted at us. ‘They don’t like it up ’em!

I begged with him to engage. Pleaded with him. I said that although I fully intended to get the best deal for my people, I still could not ignore the plight of his. That I could not stand by while he larked away their future for the giggles.

So I grabbed him by the lapels. I screamed at him. Mr Johnson! You are throwing away centuries of British progress for the sake of a frivolous whimsy! Please take a hold of yourself! And sit down and negotiate before it is too late!
And how did he respond? He squirted me in the face with his novelty pocket flower, and then he roly-polied out of The Bundestag.

This is Britain

Although it’s obviously pretty hilarious that we appointed a racist and self-serving imbecile as Foreign Secretary…

…it’s…

…oh wait…

…that isn’t funny is it?

That’s awful.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr / Flickr

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