Tony Blair’s return marks the final signal of the apocalypse

John Shafthauer

When Tony Blair sort-of maybe announced his return to politics (again), occultists all over the world shuddered. And the reason for their trembling? Namely a 300-year-old apocalypse prophecy that was made by the lesser-known future-seer Goshstrodamus.

A not very famous/good painting of Goshstrodamus

Goshstrodamus is famous for having successfully predicted pretty much nothing whatsoever. He also routinely forgot the date of his own birthday. His most famous non-predictions have included:

  • Hippopotamuses replacing humans as the most intelligent species on Earth by 1847.
  • The dominant American language becoming Welsh.
  • Liverpool FC winning the Premier League again after the 20th century.

Goshstrodamus has seen something of a revival in 2016 due to the most outlandish of all his predictions. Said prediction being that, on 31 December, the world would come to a sudden and catastrophic end. He also described the 7 signs that would herald the beginning of these end times. As it seems like everything on it so far has come true, people are consequently fearing the end.

What follows is the list in question – written as it is in Goshstrodamus’ trademark gibberish.

End Times

  1. The Starman will grow weary of this tiresome orb, and return back from whence he came! (Interpreted as referring to the death of David Bowie. Or possibly Paul Daniels.)
  2. Merry Britain shall hack off its nose to spite its own face! And the ones charged with sewing it back on will be the tipsy butchers who severed it in the first place! (Interpreted as referring to Brexit. Or possibly the sale of The Great British Bake Off.)
  3. All corners of the globe shall convene on a giant, open-air sewer, and they shall pump themselves with the hot, creamy stamina of the bull! (Interpreted as referring to the unsanitary conditions at the Rio Olympic Games, and the numerous accusations of doping.)
  4. The rabble of the Earth shall paint themselves like harlequins, and they will proceed to make a minor nuisance of themselves in darkened nooks! (Interpreted as referring to the great clown-panic of 2016, which was later revealed to have been perpetrated by losers/arseholes.)
  5. And the swollen, tangerine ewok shall inherit the Earth! (Interpreted as referring to the election of President Trump.)
  6. Louise Mensch will refer to the deceased Leonard Cohen as a potent symbol of America’s superiority over Russia. As Leonard Cohen was Canadian, this incident will lend further support to the widely held belief that she’s an idiot. (This one was weirdly specific, and doesn’t really need interpreting.)
  7. The dark one shall return! And despite the man of chill having tarnished his appellation, he will jump straight back into the thick of it! (Interpreted as referring to Tony Blair ignoring the Chilcot Report, and forcing himself back into politics. And also that it may inspire a new series of The Thick of It.)
  8. Apocalypse! (An especially relevant entry, which probably referred to the ‘apocalypse’.)


Although Off The Perch isn’t saying that the world is crawling to an end. We are simply saying that, if it was, this is pretty much exactly how the slow-crawl to oblivion would begin.

And if you don’t believe it, try looking at Tony Blair for more than 5 seconds without becoming burdened with an overwhelming feeling of dread.

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Featured images via Flickr / Flickr

In-story images via Flickr / Youtube

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