When Tony Blair sort-of maybe announced his return to politics (again), occultists all over the world shuddered. And the reason for their trembling? Namely a 300-year-old apocalypse prophecy that was made by the lesser-known future-seer Goshstrodamus.
Goshstrodamus is famous for having successfully predicted pretty much nothing whatsoever. He also routinely forgot the date of his own birthday. His most famous non-predictions have included:
- Hippopotamuses replacing humans as the most intelligent species on Earth by 1847.
- The dominant American language becoming Welsh.
- Liverpool FC winning the Premier League again after the 20th century.
Goshstrodamus has seen something of a revival in 2016 due to the most outlandish of all his predictions. Said prediction being that, on 31 December, the world would come to a sudden and catastrophic end. He also described the 7 signs that would herald the beginning of these end times. As it seems like everything on it so far has come true, people are consequently fearing the end.
What follows is the list in question – written as it is in Goshstrodamus’ trademark gibberish.
- The Starman will grow weary of this tiresome orb, and return back from whence he came! (Interpreted as referring to the death of David Bowie. Or possibly Paul Daniels.)
- Merry Britain shall hack off its nose to spite its own face! And the ones charged with sewing it back on will be the tipsy butchers who severed it in the first place! (Interpreted as referring to Brexit. Or possibly the sale of The Great British Bake Off.)
- All corners of the globe shall convene on a giant, open-air sewer, and they shall pump themselves with the hot, creamy stamina of the bull! (Interpreted as referring to the unsanitary conditions at the Rio Olympic Games, and the numerous accusations of doping.)
- The rabble of the Earth shall paint themselves like harlequins, and they will proceed to make a minor nuisance of themselves in darkened nooks! (Interpreted as referring to the great clown-panic of 2016, which was later revealed to have been perpetrated by losers/arseholes.)
- And the swollen, tangerine ewok shall inherit the Earth! (Interpreted as referring to the election of President Trump.)
- Louise Mensch will refer to the deceased Leonard Cohen as a potent symbol of America’s superiority over Russia. As Leonard Cohen was Canadian, this incident will lend further support to the widely held belief that she’s an idiot. (This one was weirdly specific, and doesn’t really need interpreting.)
- The dark one shall return! And despite the man of chill having tarnished his appellation, he will jump straight back into the thick of it! (Interpreted as referring to Tony Blair ignoring the Chilcot Report, and forcing himself back into politics. And also that it may inspire a new series of The Thick of It.)
- Apocalypse! (An especially relevant entry, which probably referred to the ‘apocalypse’.)
Although Off The Perch isn’t saying that the world is crawling to an end. We are simply saying that, if it was, this is pretty much exactly how the slow-crawl to oblivion would begin.
And if you don’t believe it, try looking at Tony Blair for more than 5 seconds without becoming burdened with an overwhelming feeling of dread.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?