The government FINALLY releases its 3-point Brexit plan

John Shafthauer

Following months of panic! Following months of confusion! Following months of “Brexit means Brexit”! Following months of “Boris Johnson” means “foreign diplomacy”! Following months of free-falling sterling! The government has finally – FINALLY! – released its 3-point plan for Brexit!

And, as you’d expect, it’s dog-sh*t.

The amendment

The Labour Party called for the government to explain its Brexit plans, and then set about producing a motion to force it into this. Most political parties supported this, because it would let the public know what to expect from Brexit. And knowing what to expect would obviously enable businesses and workers to prepare themselves better.

The Tories were against it, however. Primarily as they didn’t actually have a plan. And they knew that, if we found out, we’d be madder than a Hacienda rave full of wasps.

The government confused things, though, by adding an amendment to the motion. Said amendment being that if MPs wanted to know their plan, they’d have to agree to enact Article 50 first. Which is… ugh. A pretty terrible deal. Like agreeing to buy a twenty-second-hand Robin Reliant on the condition that you’ll be able to see it after you’ve paid for it.

The plan

True to its word, the government has now released its 3-point Brexit plan. And it is:

  1. Come up with a plan.
  2. Carry out the plan.
  3. Cross fingers and pray.

The first thing to note is that it’s a far more comprehensive and complicated plan than we were expecting. The second is that it’s still not really a plan. And the third is that we’re all almost certainly doomed.

Target audience

Of course, its doubtful that the Tories could have come up with a plan which would have pleased everyone. Which is probably why they’re not bothering to come up with one in the first place. It’s also potentially why they’re waiting for the EU to force us into a position from its overwhelmingly better bargaining standpoint.

The problem is that the UK has four main schools of thought when it comes to Brexit:

  1. People who are successfully managing to have no interest in the subject (lucky f*ckers).
  2. Voters who want a wall between ourselves and Europe at any cost – even if that means draining our oil reserves and setting fire to the North Sea.
  3. Citizens who never want to leave the EU, and plan on claiming asylum at their local Aldi if Article 50 is ever enacted.
  4. People who want change but don’t want another lost decade.

The government knows that it can’t please all of us all of the time. But it can leave us befuddled and disappointed most of the time. And it’s going to carry on leaving us like that until circumstances force it into something different.

Or possibly just increase fossil-fuel use and pray for an early apocalypse.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via John Shafthauer for Off The Perch

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed