And what a week it was!
A week in which The Canary finished for our 2 week Christmas break! A week in which…
…wait a minute…
…if everyone else is gone and I’m still in the building…
…and I don’t have the keys or slim figure required to squeeze through the vents…
Every. Single. Year.
Anyway, let’s look back at what else happened.
Honey G blames X-Factor loss on Russian Hackers
Reality TV rapper Honey G has accused Russia of ruining her X-Factor chances. People aren’t sure if they can write it off as nonsense either, because – you know – it’s 2016. And would Russian hackers rigging the X-Factor be the weirdest thing to have happened this year? Would it even make it into the Channel 4 Top-100? Would it even warrant a response stronger than:
LOL! 2016, right?
From Russia, with LULZ
Honey G accused Russia of rigging the vote against her because they knew she’d be another huge British pop star. Russia has always been jealous of the UK, as we’ve produced greats such as The Beatles, Bananarama, and Robson and Jerome. Russia, meanwhile, has only produced one pop-combo of note – namely t.A.T.u. And in their case, they were primarily famous for a music video in which wet schoolgirls did lesbian stuff in the rain.
Although, to be fair, All The Things She Said was pretty f*cking poptastic.
The Sun just proved what a monster Jeremy Corbyn truly is
With Christmas just around the corner, The Sun has been eagerly awaiting season’s greeting cards from grateful UK politicians. Yet when Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas card dropped through the letterbox, The Sun savaged it like a right-wing dog.
Jeremy Corbyn chooses white dove of peace for his Christmas card lacking in any festive cheer https://t.co/eb0cg4rcxM
— Sun Politics (@SunPolitics) December 12, 2016
As The Sun explained in an article covering the scandal, Corbyn made the “un-festive” choice of putting a boring old dove of peace on the card. It stood in stark contrast to Prime Minister Theresa May’s joyous array of designs featuring the Downing Street front door.
A peaceful monster
Unlike May’s politically neutral choice of using No.10 Downing Street in the picture, Corbyn also made the partisan move of placing the dove on a Labour-red background. Both alternatives, however, are a departure from those of leaders past, according to The Sun. Typically, party chiefs selflessly choose to feature themselves on the front of the card. Like this terrifying example:
maybe they wanted something a little more pro-war like this? pic.twitter.com/0odARwOSew
— RageAgainstTheRight (@RATR2016) December 12, 2016
Degrees to be made easy enough for policemen
by John Ranson
In a new bid to convince the public that they know what they’re doing, the police have announced an education crusade. From 2020, all new coppers will need to have a degree. At the moment, only about a third of police are graduates and this is apparently affecting the quality of conversation in the staff canteen.
Not that bright
Detective Inspector Brian Cox got in contact with Off The Perch to complain:
I find it really really irritating when I come in for my lunch after a hard morning on a case. I just want to discuss some new developments in string theory but no one else on the table is interested. The worst thing is if you’re on a stakeout. Once, I had to spend 48 hours in the back of a fake pizza van with a constable who hadn’t even read A Brief History of Time.
Media aristocracy calls for workers to crush other workers for benefit of workers
The tabloids – which only have working Brits’ best interests at heart, of course – have once more intervened in an industrial dispute. This time to let workers know that, if they want good working conditions, they need to crush some other workers.
Sir! He’s got more than me!
The argument for solidarity among workers is that we’re all on the same side. So if one workforce wins a better deal from its employer, then the next workforce stands a better chance of winning the same thing.
The argument against this is:
OI! LOOK AT THAT CHEEKY F*CKER! HE WANTS A LITTLE BIT EXTRA! ARE YOU GETTING A LITTLE BIT EXTRA!? NO!! ARE YOU F*CK!!!!!
SO YOU BEST STOP HIM FROM GETTING HIS OR THE CHEEKY SH*T WILL HAVE MORE THAN YOU!!!!! AND YOU’LL LOOK LIKE A RIGHT F*CKING MUG!!!!!!!!!!!
And if you feel like you’re familiar with this argument but can’t work out why, try thinking back to when you were about four. Because yes, that’s the level of debate that the tabloids are working with.
Simon Cowell mimics Van Gogh after hearing Labour Christmas charity single [VIDEO]
The world was shocked to discover today that Simon Cowell has mimicked the painter Vincent van Gogh.
Taking it a step further, he actually severed both ears.
The bloody and tragic self-mutilation occurred after prolonged exposure to the 2016 Labour Party Christmas charity single: an utterly bowel-bludgeoning performance and re-write of the Band Aid song Do They Know it’s Christmas?
Demonstrating remarkable perception for the groups most in need of a charity single, the Labour Party entitled the single Keep Their Perks (Don’t Be Scrooge, It’s Christmas Time). A song championing the moderation of working hours over the Christmas period.
Theresa May’s 2016 in review – what did she do again?
It really has been quite the year for Theresa May. A year in which she floated to the top of the Westminster stink-pit as a result of…
…what did she do again?
Let’s look back and see.
The Brexit Club
There were two sides to the EU Referendum. Leave and remain.
And Theresa May was on…
…which side again?
Other than her own?
Technically, May backed remain. Sort of. Albeit not visibly. Or verbally. Or at all when you get right down to it.
And this lack of clarity / follow-through would be a key sign of things to come.
Despite having (sort of) been on the losing side of the Brexit vote, May was made PM. And how did she achieve this? Basically by being the only candidate who didn’t just drop out. Although Michael Gove didn’t quit, to be fair. But he was Michael Gove. And obviously that position was untenable.
Brexit means Brexit
Our decision to leave the European Union was viewed as the most important change to the UK for several generations. It was also predicted to be the most complicated. And as such, you’d expect that anyone who voluntarily chose to lead the country through this period must have a pretty solid idea of what they wanted to get out of it. And PM May did. It was:
Brexit means Brexit
In other words, her plan was to spout empty platitudes until such a time that she actually decided what she wanted. And if her latest plan for a “red, white, and blue Brexit” is anything to go by, we may be waiting some time.
May has had one idea for the future, in all fairness. And that’s to bring back grammar schools. Which we did actually have in the past. But we got rid of them because they didn’t work very well.
So, yes. Indeed. That’s good.
It’s great, in fact. Because at the point at which the public is tired of experts – a point at which Nigel Farage is taken seriously as a viable human being – of course the logical next step is to give up on educating all but the very brightest of pupils.
What could go wrong?
Knowing her, knowing EU
Theresa May has ended the year with what looks like no friends in Europe. The Tories had previously suggested that people asking about their Brexit strategy was ‘talking down the country’. But it now looks like their stubborn refusal to come up with a plan is what’s talked down the country. Because the woman whose job it is to deal with the EU now seems to have made an enemy of everyone in it by giving the world the run-around.
So not so much ‘talking down the country’ as ‘not-talking’ down the country.
Almost as if her tactic of trying to avoid leading one way or the other is precisely the worst kind of leadership we could have going through Brexit.
Almost exactly, in fact.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?