Trump quits Presidency to become the ‘world’s greatest actor’

Trump actor
Support us and go ad-free

Donald Trump has been engaged in politics for over a year now. A length of time which is actually longer than most of his business ventures lasted for. The ill-fated ‘Trump Steaks’, for example, having lasted only one year. Almost as if people don’t want to think about his tangerine face and road-kill haircut while eating.

As such, it’s not surprising that Trump would grow bored of politics. A boredom which has led him to quit the Presidency completely and take up acting. Which will finally allow him to show Meryl Streep who the greatest actor of them all is.

[!!!SPOILER ALERT!!! – It’s her]

Audition reel

As a means of attracting a part, Trump has recorded an audition reel of himself. In it, he can be seen performing lines from some of history’s greatest productions. Although, as per usual, the former steak-monger has struggled to stay on script.


“To be or not to be? That is the question. Seriously? That is the question? I could come up with a much better question. Like $2b or not $2b – how much am I worth? You see? I’m a smart guy; I have all the best questions. This Will-I-Am Shakespeare guy was a bozo.”

Taxi Driver

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

“Are you tweeting at me? Are you tweeting at me? You don’t follow anybody else, so you must be tweeting at me. Which reminds me, I best check my phone. Some 15-year-old called me a loser, and it’s very important that I let him know how well I’m doing. You wouldn’t believe this kid – no parents at all. Says he’s an orphan. Sad!”

On the Waterfront

“You don’t understand! I coulda had class. *MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING THE BEST CLASS* I coulda been a contender. *MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT BEING THE ONE WHO FIRES THE BEST CONTENDERS* I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. *THROWS SCRIPT ON THE FLOOR* Are you serious right now!? Donald Trump, a bum!? Donald Trump is the opposite of a bum! Which would make me…. *SOMEONE SHOUTS “A DICK?”. TRUMP PULLS ONE OF HIS DAZED-HAMSTER FACES IN RESPONSE*

Don’t give up your day job

The acting world was obviously terrified of Trump putting them all to shame. But thankfully, Trump became embroiled in an argument with an Uber driver on his way home. As a result, he bought his own taxi and spent the rest of the afternoon ferrying people around to prove he was “the best at cars”.

He later got into another argument. This time with the fireman who was extracting him from the smouldering wreckage of his taxi. Trump assured the gentleman that he could “do fires better than anyone”. Unfortunately, Trump misunderstood the role, though. Which is why he was later arrested for arson, and is currently being held in an NYPD holding cell. A cell in which he’s attempting to persuade the other criminals that “the toughest gangs regard him bigly”.

We’ll let you know how he gets on.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support

The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.

The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.

So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.

Support us

Comments are closed