Theresa May’s entire Brexit strategy found crumpled in a bin… in Kirkby Lonsdale

Kirkby Lonsdale Bin
Kerry-anne Mendoza

Residents of historic Cumbrian market town Kirkby Lonsdale received a shock on Tuesday 17 January, when the Brexit strategy of Prime Minister Theresa May was found crumpled in a bin. The normally sleepy town now finds itself at the centre of a political scandal.

A big day for Kirkby Lonsdale

At around 7:30am, street cleaner Walter Shock was emptying a bin outside the NatWest bank on Main Street when he noticed something strange.

‘Well, there was this fag packet,’ Mr Shock told Off The Perch. ‘So, I goes to pop it in the bag with my stick and I notices this scribble all over the back of it.’

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On closer inspection, Mr Shock realised the scribble was in fact an early draft of the Prime Minister’s 12-point plan for Brexit.

‘It’s left me with some serious questions, if I’m honest,’ continued Mr Shock. ‘Like… what was Theresa May doing in Kirkby Lonsdale? And, well… if Britain is to leave the Single Market, on what basis will she negotiate tariffs and reciprocal agreements with EU nation states?’

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A town in shock

Local media outlets have reported a number of strange occurrences in the town since the strategy was found. A local farmer was found banging his head repeatedly against the menu board outside the Snooty Fox pub. And an elderly woman struck her tartan shopping trolley against the tarmac of Market Street until it fell to pieces. This last incident held up traffic for over half an hour.

Amid such widespread shock, town Mayor Justin Thyme was forced to hold an emergency meeting of the town council. He told Off The Perch:

I mean it’s just not on. If Theresa May wants to pull a stunt like this in London, fine. But we’re quiet folk up here in Kirkby Lonsdale. We live peaceful lives. We’re just not prepared to be the centre of a political sh*tstorm like this.

The Prime Minister refused to comment on the debacle. But Downing Street issued a brief statement on the matter. A spokesperson, confirming the Prime Minister had taken a short respite in Kirkby Lonsdale over the Christmas period, stated:

As you can see in today’s announcement, the government’s Brexit strategy has moved on considerably since the early draft found in Kirkby Lonsdale. It’s typed on paper now. So, you know, it’s totally legit.

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Featured image via Google Street View / Public Domain Pictures

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