And what a week it was!
A week in which DONALD TRUMP BECAME THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF AMERICA.
But what else happened?
Did anything else happen?
Where am I? I feel disorientated.
Theresa May’s entire Brexit strategy found crumpled in a bin… in Kirkby Lonsdale
Residents of historic Cumbrian market town Kirkby Lonsdale received a shock on Tuesday 17 January, when the Brexit strategy of Prime Minister Theresa May was found crumpled in a bin. The normally sleepy town now finds itself at the centre of a political scandal.
A big day for Kirkby Lonsdale
At around 7:30am, street cleaner Walter Shock was emptying a bin outside the NatWest bank on Main Street when he noticed something strange.
‘Well, there was this fag packet,’ Mr Shock told Off The Perch. ‘So, I goes to pop it in the bag with my stick and I notices this scribble all over the back of it.’
On closer inspection, Mr Shock realised the scribble was in fact an early draft of the Prime Minister’s 12-point plan for Brexit.
‘It’s left me with some serious questions, if I’m honest,’ continued Mr Shock. ‘Like… what was Theresa May doing in Kirkby Lonsdale? And, well… if Britain is to leave the Single Market, on what basis will she negotiate tariffs and reciprocal agreements with EU nation states?’
Theresa May sets out her plans for a ‘fantasy’ Brexit
There have been many potential Brexits on the table since the 2016 referendum. These have included:
- Soft Brexit.
- Hard Brexit.
- Poached Brexit.
- Brexit over easy.
- Scrambled Brexit on toast.
And even some that weren’t egg-related puns.
But despite all of the options available, we still didn’t know which one we would get. Until now, that is. As Theresa May has finally made it clear what Brexit she will be picking from the greasy-spoon menu available to us.
The PM’s first speech on 17 January saw her outline the rough edges of this fantasy Brexit. A Brexit which will see us:
- Become more global / close all our borders.
- Leave the Single Market / get Single-Market-like benefits.
- Get the best deal for the UK / have Boris Johnson involved in our dealings.
Kuenssberg asks Corbyn if he’ll resign over misleading report she made
The BBC‘s Political Editor, Laura Kuenssberg, has been found to have ‘inaccurately represented’ Jeremy Corbyn. And of course, this can lead to only one question:
WHEN WILL JEREMY F*CKING CORBYN RESIGN OVER THIS!?
As soon as Kuenssberg found out the news, she was out there looking for Corbyn. Hunting her political prey with all the viciousness of a gerbil stalking an apple-core. When she found him, the politico pounced on him and cried:
So, Jamie Corrigan, if that is your real name. What do you have to say about this bullsh*t report that I misrepresented you on the BBC news? Huh? Will you be resigning? Or will you just f*ck off?
At first, Corbyn tried to ignore her. He even tried to walk away and buy a Big Issue. But that just prompted Kuenssberg to report on Twitter that the Labour leader was “throwing his many coins at homeless people”.
2017 set to top 2016 in pure, unadulterated wrongness
by Ed Sykes
Now that 2017’s here, just between us… 2016 was pretty awful, right? A turbulent 12 months in which “surreal” narrowly beat “fascism” as Merriam-Webster’s word of the year. And a period full of stress and nastiness which the American Dialect Society summed up with the phrase “dumpster fire”.
The biggest dumpster fire of all was probably Donald Trump’s bigoted, arrogant and misogynistic ascent to power. Grabbing one of the world’s most important political positions with all the unceremonious grace of a gassy mountain goat. All with the help of his hopeless opponent. A woman with so much baggage we thought she was preparing for space travel. And a woman who consciously ignored people’s doubts about her ties to big corporations and tyrannical regimes abroad. Meaning the elections were eventually about who the frustrated and disgusted electorate most wanted to vote against.
Oh, and there was Brexit, too. And we all know what a muffin basket of joyfulness that turned out to be.
Michael Flatley tricked into doing Russian squat-dance at Trump inauguration
Everyone knows that Trump has been struggling to find first-rate performers to play at his inauguration. The incoming President having so far been turned down by:
- The Wombles.
- PJ and Duncan.
- Chas and Dave.
- The Vengaboys.
- Charles Manson.
- Everyone else.
Yet he has managed to find someone to perform for him. Someone who looked at the global reaction to the greasy, comb-over bigot and thought:
You know what, people might not like this guy, but he has offered to pay me money, so f*ck it.
The person in question being ‘The Lord of the Dance’ himself, Michael Flatley. But unfortunately for the one-time Riverdancer, the dance he’s been booked to perform is not the one that he’s famous for.
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