And what a week it was!
A week in which Piers Morgan crawled out of Donald Trump’s arse for just long enough to disappear up his own. A week in which the government wrote ‘Brexit means Brexit’ on a bit of white paper and claimed that constitutes a plan. And a week in which lies rebranded themselves as ‘alt-facts’.
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see!
‘America First’ means ‘Britain Second’, confirms Nigel Farage
The UK’s unofficial ambassador to the forces of darkness, Nigel Farage, has returned from the hell mouth with news. Namely that Donald Trump’s new slogan, America First, will mean exactly what you think.
Any trade deal we manage to cobble together will see Britain getting the short end of the stick. Or indeed something which looks like a stick, but later turns out to be a dog turd covered in moss. Or something which looks like a dog turd, but later turns out to be three cat turds wrapped in clingfilm.
Well that's a misspelling
'Anal-cyst' has a dash in the middle pic.twitter.com/CUVxZ3NcMA
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) January 22, 2017
UK government urged to ‘come clean’ over botched Trump assassination
by John Ranson
Theresa May is facing mounting pressure to spill the beans over last year’s massive missile balls-up. The government has refused to confirm or deny the most obvious explanation – namely that this was an attempt to kill Donald Trump.
In June 2016, Trump had emerged as the likely Republican candidate for the US presidency. He was regularly campaigning in Florida. The UK had a Vanguard class submarine, aptly named HMS Vengeance, stationed off the Florida coast. The sub was due for its missile firing test. At £17m a pop, these don’t happen too often. But HMS Vengeance was fresh from a £350m spruce-up so it was a chance to test the new gear.
HMS Vengeance renamed Nukey McNukeface if we ignore misfire, promises PM
Following an embarrassing, fumbled, and arse-headed denial, the PM has come clean. Namely by admitting that yes, she did know Trident misfired, and no, she didn’t pass that information on. And yet, she has also come up with a plan that could see her emerge from this cesspit of scandal relatively un-filthed. A plan which would see the Trident submarine, HMS Vengeance, renamed Nukey McNukeface.
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) January 23, 2017
With a Vengeance
Some people were shocked to discover that one of our nuclear submarines was called HMS Vengeance. Although what else would you call it? It’s designed to revenge-kill several cities’ worth of innocent civilians, so you can’t call it HMS Rational. Although it could be called something less dramatic, like HMS Spite-Fire or HMS F*ck You Too. Or, going off the recent failed test, HMS Premature Retaliation or HMS Whoopsie.
Puddle of vomit pulls out of Piers Morgan interview
A festering pool of puke has pulled out of a TV interview after discovering who the host was. Said host being none other than Piers Morgan. A man who is most famous for being a failed/disgraced:
The UK is divided into people who think Piers Morgan is an oily sack of pompous insecurities, and those who simply don't know who he is
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) January 24, 2017
Emperor Trump given alt-clothes in exchange for trade deal
People feared the worst from Theresa May’s trip to visit Emperor Trump. The UK finds itself in a historic moment of weakness. A point at which we’d basically have to accept any deal that was offered to us. Which is great for Trump, as he’s at a point of wanting to force sh*tty trade deals on other countries. Because he honestly thinks that other people doing well is a sign that he’s doing badly. Because he’s an arsehole.
And yet, through a mixture of blind panic and luck, the PM actually managed to get us a deal.
Dumpster fire of the vanities
The trade talks began pretty much as expected. Which means Trump accidentally referred to May by the following wrong names:
May had made it clear she was willing to hand over the NHS, and Trump made it clear he’d accept. And so the tangerine mandarin told her:
Mmm hmm. Let’s make the NHS great again. We’re going to build an NHS so big that people will be afraid to get sick. But what else have you got for me?
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?