Trump explains how he crafts his ‘bigly smart’ ideas
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Trump doesn’t formulate ideas like anyone else. In fact, we can probably agree that when it comes to brain activity, the guy is barely even human.
But how does Trump concoct these super-thoughts of his?
I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. Some FAKE NEWS media, in order to marginalize, lies!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017
Many assumed this tweet was in response to accusations that Steve Bannon is the one ‘calling all the shots’. It’s since emerged that it was Trump’s way of hinting at the ‘Sherlock-like’ manner in which he generates his ideas.
Speaking to Lightfart News, Trump explained that:
I have the best ideas. People can’t believe it. They ask me how I smart them so bigly. I usually don’t talk about it, because I’m a modest guy. Seriously. So modest. I make Mother Theresa look like Lady Gaga. I could talk all day about how modest I am. But- hey, what were we talking about again?
Oh yeah, my genius brain-biglies. And I’ll tell ya, I’m a lot like that British private dick, Shylock Holmes. He’s a serious dick. And I’m somewhat of a dick myself, of course. People tell me all the time. They make signs about it
Lightfart asked Trump in what way was he like Sherlock Holmes:
Have you seen the show? They make it in England [he pronounces it Ing-LAND in a similar fashion to how he says Chi-NA]. I’m great friends with the king of England. He’s called Nigel Fromage. He told me he won the royal jewels in a card game called ‘Brexit’. I think it’s like Black Jack, but from what he tells me, it’s played with a deck full of jokers
But anyway, this Shylock Holmes guy. He just looks around and he sees all these clues. He accumulates the data. And then he solves the case. Like me. Exactly like me. So much like me that I thought about suing. I even looked up who wrote it, and the guy’s called Something Conan Something. And you know who played Conan in the movies, right? That’s right. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The guy’s obsessed with me. Sad!
Trump demonstrated to Lightfart his keen powers of deduction:
You wanna see how I do it? Okay
At this point Trump looked around the room – his eyes zeroing in on several objects like some sort of shabby Terminator:
Okay, so I looked out of the window and I saw a squirrel. I looked in here, and I saw my good friend Steve Bannon writing out more executive orders whilst laughing maniacally and pointing his finger at me. And then I looked back outside and saw a dog licking itself
Lightfart asked Trump what all this information told him:
That Rosie O’Donnell invented climate change. Mmm hmm. And it must be true, because I thought it is
Lightfart asked Trump if he’d ever considered the possibility that he could be wrong about something. To which he obviously responded:
YOU’RE FAKE NEWS!
His brain’s a foot
There is of course an outside chance that Trump is so smart that nobody can even comprehend how smart he is. And it’s about the same chance that the Bowling Green massacre did actually happen.
A chance which is roughly about 0.0000000000000000000000001%. A number which Trump pointed out has an impressive number of zeroes in it.
– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
Featured image via Flickr
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