The £350m Brexit bus has turned back into a pumpkin

Wilson Belshaw

Once upon a time, there was a country called Great Britain.

Great Britain was ruled by a wicked pig-canoodler named David Cameron. A man who possessed the decisiveness of Goldilocks and the forward-thinking smarts of the boy who cried wolf.

Pork-fondler Dave had made sure that Great Britain was as revolting as possible for the peasant folk below him. And yet despite this, many of his court jesters felt the country was still not revolting enough.

A cavalcade of fools

The gammon-romancer had surrounded himself with fools, clowns, nincompoops, oafs, blockheads, buffoons, dopes, berks, and Boris.

Boris Johnson being a man who occupies an unfortunate position all on his very own.

Several of these nefarious scoundrels objected to life under the hog-hugger. Numbered among them were:

  1. Boris ‘the straw-haired oaf’ Johnson.
  2. Michael ‘the creature from the Blackpool sewage lagoon’ Gove.

Between them, the pair had nay enough brains to pass the ‘write your name here’ section of an IQ test. In fact, if brains were little pigs, they wouldn’t have enough for a yarn about seven dwarves. But Gove did have something which gave them the advantage. Namely a fairy godmother who could grant him one wish.

A spell of good luck

The fairy godmother was able to take an over-sized potato and turn it into a vote-winning victory machine. An idea which she’d got from Boris Johnson’s first mayoral campaign. This time, however, the magic involved turning a pumpkin into a bus that displayed:

We send the EU £350 million a week. Let’s fund our NHS instead. Vote Leave.

And the magic of this fantastical message barged its way into the public’s consciousness like a wolf into an old woman’s cottage.

All bad things

Of course, the magic could not last forever. And the fairy godmother told the clowns who made the wish that the bus would turn back into a pumpkin at the stroke of Article 50.

Which is why all of the Tories involved in this fairy tale voted against an amendment which could have guaranteed £350m a week for the NHS post-Brexit.

And that’s fine, apparently.

Because they’re the people who get to live happily ever after. And the rest of us are just background trolls in someone else’s fantasy.

THE END.

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Featured image via Public Domain Pictures

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Wilson Belshaw