History’s biggest ‘Piers Morgans’ – A catalogue of snivelling toadies

Piers Morgan history

When Piers Morgan left the UK, he was a disgraced and washed-up ex-hack whose reputation was in tatters. Tatters which had been shredded and mixed with pigswill. Pigswill which had been fed to and slopped out of some pigs. Pig slop that was…

… well, I think you get the picture.

Despite being more universally despised than chlamydia, Morgan returned from his US hosting job having achieved the impossible. He’d somehow made himself even more unlikable than before. Primarily by making friends with the man who would come to be known as the ‘Wotsit Hitler’, Donald Trump.

But why do people like Morgan suck up to these sh*t-humps? And how many more of them have existed throughout history?

We flicked through our Encyclopedia of History’s Weaseliest Greasebags to find out.


If you didn’t know, Piers Morgan became friends with Donald Trump when he starred on The Celebrity Apprentice. A similar thing happened with Lao-Ping, who lived in Southern China during the time of Kublai Khan.

Kublai Khan had yet to conquer Southern China at that time. In an attempt to ‘win hearts and minds’, Khan held a sort of mini-Olympics for all the Chinese officials who would come. A competition which was set up to pander to the petty vanities of the corrupt officials he invited.

Read on...

When Lao-Ping returned, he tried telling everyone what a great guy Khan was. But as Ping had taken the long route home, he struggled to find anyone who would listen. As such, he got back several weeks after The Great Khan had already invaded and burnt his home city to the ground.

He still maintained that The Khan was a top guy though. If only because The Khan had given him two geese for coming second in a rock hurling competition. And also because Ping was an air-headed, vainglorious arsehole.

Igor Stuktzy

Igor Stuktzy was a newspaper editor in the time of Vlad the Impaler. Much like Morgan, Stuktzy left the newspaper business in disgrace after he was caught making love to a mule. Which isn’t why Morgan was fired. Although people may have considered him slightly less of an ass if it was.

Stuktzy had taken a liking to Vlad because the ruler once gave him a Ferrero Rocher at an official function. In Stuktzy’s mind, this meant they were best mates, and he went around telling everyone as much.

Of course, opinion waned on Vlad when he started impaling people. Stuktzy thought this most unfair, however, and went round shouting things like:

It could be worse! He could be drowning people in their own wee!


None of you said anything when his father Vlad the Tickler was tickling people*!


The public have spoken, and we have to respect that.

The problem of course is that the thing most of the people were saying was:

GARGH! I’m being impaled!

A fate which Stuktzy himself was subjected to when Vlad saw him one day, and recognised him as the man who broke into his castle and stole all his Ferrero Rochers.

Viscount Rothermere

In the 1930’s there was another newspaper man. This man being the owner of The Daily Mail. Viscount Rothermere was the ancestor of the current owner, and he was a big, big fan of your man, Adolf Hitler. A dictator who went on to be so bad that even now he is likened to annoying people in internet comment sections.

And you know, funnily enough, The Daily Mail is also the paper that Piers Morgan writes for.

Almost as if the paper has consistently involved itself with amoral suck-ups and creeps.

*It should be pointed out that although ‘Vlad the Tickler’ sounds quite light-hearted, he was in fact tickling people to death. Which is horrendous, obviously, but still not as bad as liberating people of their digestive tracts.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube / Flickr

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed