BBC to be 50% Nigel Farage by 2019

BBC to be 50% Nigel Farage by 2019
John Shafthauer

As part of its continuing mission to achieve ‘balance’, the BBC has announced a new quota. Namely to ensure that all of its output is 50% Nigel Farage by 2019. Because, as we all know, every single event must be filtered through the brain of a politician who has serially failed to become an MP, because…


…why is that a thing again?

Making plans with Nigel

Viewers will have noticed that the BBC is currently about 25% Nigel Farage. A frighteningly low figure which puts ordinary Brits in danger of not constantly knowing Farage’s opinion.

Recent appearances by Farage have included:

  • The UKIP leader shows up on Teletubbies and accuses Tinky-Winky of being a fascist for telling Po to stop being mean to Dipsy.
  • Farage demands that David Attenborough returns to the UK and produces a cutting-edge 10-hour documentary series about pigeons.
  • Farage shows up on the weather report and says: “I’m not saying all bad weather is caused by homosexuals, but members of my party certainly are”.
  • The UKIP leader sits in on the BBC News at Ten and asks why no one is reporting on a conspiracy theory about Sweden being completely overrun by Daesh (Isis/Isil).
  • Farage is a guest on Have I Got News For You. But instead of joining in with the mirth, he just tears his shirt off and screams the word “BREXIT” in Ian Hislop’s face.

The future

The BBC has reassured viewers that all future programming will feature Nigel Farage. Obviously, Farage may not always be available. But there’s a reliable stand-in for such occasions. Namely a stretched, animatronic puppet of Mr Toad that’s had its skin painted grey and is programmed to shout “FOREIGNERS!” on command.

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Featured image via Flickr  / Flickr

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John Shafthauer