Conservationists reintroduce ‘Hooliganus footballus’ to the British mainland

Football hooligans OTP
Support us and go ad-free

Football hooligans (Hooliganus footballus) were on the verge of extinction in the UK. This was because the hooligans’ traditional source of nourishment became less fulfilling over time. Said nourishment being xenophobia-rich tabloid newspapers. A food-stuff that became particularly hard to get hold of thanks to all those EU anti-open-sewage laws that were inflicted on us.

Thankfully though, a conservation attempt has been made. And now, once more, the unfettered and stagnant ooze of tabloid hatred is pooling across the UK. As such, the hooligans have been able to return and lay their eggs.


We spoke to the lead conservationist behind the reintroduction:

Much like the Galapagos tortoise ‘Lonesome George’, the UK had a hooligan population of only one. Said hooligan being ‘Lonesome Danny Dyer’; who, finding himself unable to breed, was forced to occupy his time starring in crap soap-operas and lightly erotic DVD movies.

Of course, just providing the hooligans with food wasn’t enough. We also had to create the right environment for them. So the Department for Reckless Social Engineering helped us create patches of the UK in which wages were stagnant, prospects were non-existent, and hope was a total figment.

And once we’d created the perfect environment for social unrest, the hooligans came flocking straight back. It was a real textbook bit of conservation. The sort of disparate social conservation that the Conservatives have always been so wonderful at conserving.

Global Britain

Britain is so proud of our burgeoning population of hooligans that we’ve sent them on tour. And as the world sees the return of the natural order we were so famous for in the 1970s and 80s, you can’t help but feel proud as it turns to us and asks:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

So this is what global Britain looks like, is it?

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop


The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed