The EU admits to masterminding Theresa May’s dreadful election campaign

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Theresa May held a press conference yesterday to accuse the EU of ruining her election chances. After May had finished her finger-wagging, one of the journalists raised a hand and asked:

How’s that then? Has the EU been running your woeful election campaign?

To which a manic-eyed May replied:

Yes! No more questions! I love chips!

From EU to her

According to a Downing Street insider, May asked the EU for advice on how to win the election. The advice given to her included:

  • Keep repeating the words “strong and stable” until people look worried and ask “u ok hun?”
  • Lock journalists – ie the people whose job it is to report how well you’re doing – in a cupboard.
  • Eat chips as if you were once wronged by a potato and are taking revenge by devouring its children.
  • Appeal to the over 65s – your key demographic – by refusing to guarantee their pension lock.
  • Forget which town you’re in.
  • Look terrified and nervous in every interview as if you were being questioned at gunpoint by a phantom.
  • Be seen by as many poor people as possible by flying over them in an expensive helicopter.
  • If at all confused, just repeat the words “strong and stable” again. And again. AND AGAIN!

Simply not cricket

May has expanded further on her war against the people we’re supposed to be negotiating with:

The EU busybodies have been saying I don’t know what I’m doing for months, so I find it a little suspicious that they’re still saying that now. Even though I called a surprise election I said I wouldn’t during the crucial negotiating window!

Read on...

Wait, did that make sense? Rats! Strong and stable! STRONG AND STABLE!

The Prime Minister then proceeded to stuff chips into her mouth and give everybody a thumbs-up as she was bundled into her austerity-copter and flown away.

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