Tories to bring back fox hunting, workhouses, and Jimmy Savile

John Shafthauer

Fox hunting is about as popular in Britain as war films in which Americans take credit for things they didn’t do.

Less popular than that, in fact.

So about as popular as a non-factual submarine epic in which all the characters are played by the Crazy Frog.

And yet, despite that, Theresa May is planning to give MPs a free vote on the matter.

Because she’s so confident of victory that she can do something no Tory has done in a long time:

GO FULL TORY

Full Tory

Uh oh

Seeing May hint at going Full Tory is a terrifying sight indeed. Like walking into a room and finding a giant snakeskin – knowing that something larger and more hideous has slithered out.

But what other unpopular schemes can we expect to return?

We spoke to Count Dracula, the head of the Conservative thinkthank FullTory4Eva:

Fox hunting is but the beginning! Those glamorous hedge rats hardly have any blood in them anyway. So obviously we’ve got our eyes set on bigger game!

Another thing we’ll be bringing back are workhouses. Do you think it’s coincidental that we stopped child labour, and then a mere century later we have a childhood obesity crisis? Of course not!

We’ll also be bringing back Sir Jimmy of Savile. He may be universally despised, but he was a cracking fundraiser for us!

Sir Jimmy ‘fixing it’ for former Tory Prime Minister Ted Heath

And guess what, bloodbags? You’ve already decided to vote for us. So now you need to suck it up, and deal with everything we have planned for you. Blerr!

Sir Jimmy and the legions of yuppie hell-bastards waiting for the go-ahead to return to Britain.

Blerr

After hissing at our reporter, the Count proceeded to transmogrify into a bat and fly through a window. The window was actually closed, though. So the Count repeatedly flew into it – angrily cursing at our reporter for not letting him out.

Once the window was opened, the Tory blood-sucker flew into the night and shouted:

I’m going to make you regret opening that window for me!

Which is also the Tories’ plan for everyone who votes for them.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia / Wikimedia

In story images via Flickr / Flickr / Geograph

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed