Labour manifesto fails to say who will take the bins out

Labour manifesto OTP
Support us and go ad-free

The Tory party hasn’t given the media much to go on in terms of backing them. Which is why they’ve had to fall on their weakest tactic yet when attacking the Labour manifesto:

But who will put the bins out?

Rubbish

If you’re unsure what that means, it relates to Theresa May’s husband saying that he puts the bins out. One of the few solid things that May has given the media in this election cycle.

This led to the following discussion between several tabloid editors:

THE SUN: This Labour manifesto is well not-saucy. How are we gonna stick it to them?

THE TELEGRAPH: It reads like mugwump’s wet dream! Where’s the fox hunting? Where are the cuts to pensions? There shall be tutting in golf clubs across the land!

THE SUN: That’s alright for your crowd, but what am I gonna tell my lot? Some of them like foxes and not being screwed out of retirement money.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

THE DAILY MAIL: TELL THEM THE STREETS SHALL RUN RED WITH RIVERS OF BLOOD!

THE EXPRESS: Tell them Brexit means Brexit!

THE TELEGRAPH: Tell them about one of the policies that won’t make their grubby little lives worse? Not that they deserve that. Binge-scroungers the lot of them!

THE SUN: The only policy that won’t screw them is the energy freeze one, and we did a front page saying that was communism when Ed Miliband suggested it.

THE DAILY MAIL: SUPPORT IT ANYWAY! WHO CARES IF PEOPLE SAY YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE?

THE EXPRESS: Brexit means Brexit!

THE TELEGRAPH: Well there must be something these chip-monkeys like! What about that interview on The One Show?

THE SUN: The one where her husband said he bangs the bins out?

THE TELEGRAPH: Exactly! Did Labour say who will put the bins out in their communist manifesto?

THE SUN: Err…?

THE TELEGRAPH: Then by Jove, we’ve got them!

Garbage

And now thankfully, because our media is so fresh, we’ve managed to look past all of Labour’s policies and get to the real issue:

WHO’LL PUT THE FUCKING BINS OUT, JEREMY?

WHO’LL PUT THE FUCKING BINS OUT, JEREMY?

WHO’LL PUT THE FUCKING BINS OUT, JEREMY?

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed