A week in which Labour’s manifesto was leaked! A week in which Theresa May’s personality was concealed! And a week in which UKIP’s support was declared missing!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
‘Not fraud, just many mistakes that had the same effect’ say electoral investigators
It wasn’t fraud at all. It was just lots and lots (and lots) of mistakes that coincidentally happened to benefit them in exactly the same way that fraud would have done!
Oh, right – wait – what?
We spoke to a fraud expert to find out how this is a thing:
Well, it’s simple isn’t it. No one knew what they were doing. And ignorance is a defence if you’re rich. Did you not know that?
Simon Danczuk – the MP who’s famous for sexting a teenager – has left the Labour Party. And he’s cut his membership card in half.
Why? Because the pompous, non child-sexting communists who run the party do not represent him anymore!
Appropriate adult
Rochdale is, unfortunately, famous for a child abuse scandal.
Danczuk – the MP for Rochdale – is famous for sexting a teenager who originally contacted him in his capacity as an MP.
If you’d ever worked with vulnerable teens, you’d know that a situation where a person in a position of power forms a relationship with a teenager who contacted them because of that position is known as an:
Fox hunting is about as popular in Britain as war films in which Americans take credit for things they didn’t do.
Less popular than that, in fact.
So about as popular as a non-factual submarine epic in which all the characters are played by the Crazy Frog.
And yet, despite that, Theresa May is planning to give MPs a free vote on the matter.
Because she’s so confident of victory that she can do something no Tory has done in a long time:
GO FULL TORY
Full Tory
Uh oh
Seeing May hint at going Full Tory is a terrifying sight indeed. Like walking into a room and finding a giant snakeskin – knowing that something larger and more hideous has slithered out.
But what other unpopular schemes can we expect to return?
We spoke to Count Dracula, the head of the Conservative thinkthank FullTory4Eva:
The Tory party hasn’t given the media much to go on in terms of backing them. Which is why they’ve had to fall on their weakest tactic yet when attacking the Labour manifesto:
But who will put the bins out?
Rubbish
If you’re unsure what that means, it relates to Theresa May’s husband saying that he puts the bins out. One of the few solid things that May has given the media in this election cycle.
This led to the following discussion between several tabloid editors:
THE SUN: This Labour manifesto is well not-saucy. How are we gonna stick it to them?
THE TELEGRAPH: It reads like mugwump’s wet dream! Where’s the fox hunting? Where are the cuts to pensions? There shall be tutting in golf clubs across the land!
THE SUN: That’s alright for your crowd, but what am I gonna tell my lot? Some of them like foxes and not being screwed out of retirement money.
There was elation in Britain’s woodlands today as a national spokesman for foxes spoke out against Conservative plans to bring back fox hunting. Nigel Farage, leader of the Fox Liberation Front and elective MP for Surrey, has cast serious shade on the move. “Hairy, bitter and prone to biting, the Tories are a bigger threat to woodland mammals and Britain at large than us foxes,” he said. With a divisive general election ahead, what could be more fantastic?
Fox in a hen house
Britain banned fox hunting in 2004 (in theory). Hailed as ‘cruel’, the sport is condemned by wildlife groups and angry Twitter warriors alike. During the height of hunting, around 25,000 foxes were killed each year. Astoundingly, 85% of these were later declared ‘fit for work’ by the Department for Work and Pensions. With the possibility of the act being reversed, foxes and humans alike are up in arms. FLF Spokesfox Farage said:
Theresa May is a fox in the henhouse. Fox rights are being repealed, the Fox Rights Act is under fire, and immigrant foxes are scared of being deported. It’s time for Britain to fight back against such abuses.
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join usand be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?
We’ve combated the establishment media’s lies, amplified marginalised voices, and promoted positive solutions for our future. So far, we have published 18,000 articles free to read for everyone.
But we depend on you for everything we do. Together, with your support, we can continue to be a beacon of truth and hope.