Residents of historic Cumbrian market town Kirkby Lonsdale received a shock on Monday 15 May, when a full draft of the Conservative Party’s election manifesto was found crumpled in a bin. The normally sleepy town now finds itself at the centre of a political scandal.
A big day for Kirkby Lonsdale
At around 7:30am, street cleaner Walter Shock was emptying a bin outside the NatWest bank on Main Street when he noticed something strange.
‘Well, there was this fag packet,’ Mr Shock told Off The Perch. ‘So, I goes to pop it in the bag with my stick and I notices this scribble all over the back of it.’
On closer inspection, Mr Shock realised the scribble was in fact a full draft of Conservative plans for government, if elected on 8 June.
‘It’s left me with some serious questions, if I’m honest,’ continued Mr Shock. ‘Like… what was Theresa May doing in Kirkby Lonsdale? And, well… it just seems a bit crap to me. I couldn’t get my shoppin’ list on the back of a fag packet. And there she is, tryin’ to run the country off the back o’ one.
The manifesto pledges
The full draft reads:
- Bring back foxhunting.
- Bring back blue passports.
- Bring back grammar schools.
- Compulsory hats in public for everyone over the age of 8.
Off The Perch approached the Conservative Party for comment, but were told to “sod off”. On our second attempt, a spokesperson made themselves available. We asked if the Conservatives were really going into the election with just these four promises.
We believe in promising small and delivering big. We get these four things right, and Britain will be great again.
We asked how any of these promises would make an impact on the economy, jobs, falling wages, rising use of food banks, or the plight of sick and disabled citizens. The spokesperson gave our reporter a stern look and left the room in silence.
Back in Kirky Lonsdale: A town in shock
It is the second time this year that Kirkby Lonsdale has found itself at the centre of political intrigue. In February, Mr Shock found the government’s Brexit strategy on the back of a cigarette packet in the very same bin.
Mayor Justin Thyme told Off The Perch:
You know, I’m starting to get the impression that the Conservatives haven’t got the faintest clue how to run this country.
I mean, who the hell wants to see the return of compulsory hats?
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