Children everywhere are in peril as the Conservatives launch plans to remove free school lunches. The Conservatives claim that a free breakfast is “as effective” educationally as a lunch. But even more optimistically, some are claiming that kids could get extra benefit by eating their school books. Teachers are up in arms, but breakfast mascots are throwing their weight behind the idea.
Eat books, gain knowledge
Conservative bigwigs, many benefitting from an Etonian education, are claiming that knowledge may be gained via osmosis. Suggestions that eating books may create genius are at the forefront of their controversial campaign. An undisclosed source told Off The Perch:
I ate a book once. Now I control the NHS
A nearby man wearing glasses told us:
It’s a little known fact that Einstein ate Newton’s Principia daily.
School teachers have spoken out against the idea, calling it “gibberish” and “metaphysically unsound”.
A Conservative spokesman hit back, telling Off The Perch:
Just eat a book on metaphysics to see how unfounded those claims are.
Keeping hunger locked up till lunch
Plans have received surprising support from fictional cardboard box entities. The Shreddies mascot, John Stamos, has publicly praised the endeavour. A host of colourful characters has joined him, each celebrating the education measure. Stamos told Off The Perch:
Not only can we keep hunger locked up till lunch, we can build a whole generation of übermensch.
Tony the Tiger, currently serving a 10-year sentence for his role in hacking the US election, added:
I fully support this plan. Too long have the poor benefited from the hard labour of the upper classes. Let’s teach them a lesson, its grrreat.
Pupils hunger for compassion
With the plans under such hot debate, a number of students have joined the fray. Although 4ft humans are usually ignored regarding their political views, or confused with UKIP councillors, today saw record numbers waxing lyrical. We visited a local playground and spoke to David Bratt, a child:
Between missing a Charizard on Pokemon Go and discovering a monster under my bed, this is the worst news I’ve had all day.
Marcin Klingbajl , a grumpy tween, commented:
This Conservative policy is awash with neoliberal populism and pseudoscientific rhetoric. The nebulous concept of osmotic derivation of print knowledge to a cerebral molecular ingram is baffling. May is surely exploiting a relative public ignorance of scientific thinking, coupled with a nationalistic sentiment of austerity being equal to true progress. Personally, I would argue that a 40:40:20 mix of carbohydrate, protein and unsaturated fats, coupled with 40 minute lessons covering a STEM-based curriculum with added critical thinking should address numerous dietary and societal issues.
Theresa May could not be reached for comment but was seen snacking on 50 Shades of Grey outside Jamie Dornan’s house.
– Eat your laptop, tasty tasty knowledge. It’s the Will of the People.
– Ask your 8 year old child to serve Fermat’s Last Theorem.
– Help Theresa May seduce Jamie Dornan by sharing this article. Trust us, it works. We ate a book on market thing.
Featured image via Flickr
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?