Schoolchildren to be allowed to eat their school books under new Tory Scheme

Eat Books OTP
Ben Janaway

Children everywhere are in peril as the Conservatives launch plans to remove free school lunches. The Conservatives claim that a free breakfast is “as effective” educationally as a lunch. But even more optimistically, some are claiming that kids could get extra benefit by eating their school books. Teachers are up in arms, but breakfast mascots are throwing their weight behind the idea.

Eat books, gain knowledge

Conservative bigwigs, many benefitting from an Etonian education, are claiming that knowledge may be gained via osmosis. Suggestions that eating books may create genius are at the forefront of their controversial campaign. An undisclosed source told Off The Perch:

I ate a book once. Now I control the NHS

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A nearby man wearing glasses told us:

It’s a little known fact that Einstein ate Newton’s Principia daily.

School teachers have spoken out against the idea, calling it “gibberish” and “metaphysically unsound”.

A Conservative spokesman hit back, telling Off The Perch:

Just eat a book on metaphysics to see how unfounded those claims are.

Keeping hunger locked up till lunch

Plans have received surprising support from fictional cardboard box entities. The Shreddies mascot, John Stamos, has publicly praised the endeavour. A host of colourful characters has joined him, each celebrating the education measure. Stamos told Off The Perch:

Not only can we keep hunger locked up till lunch, we can build a whole generation of übermensch.

Tony the Tiger, currently serving a 10-year sentence for his role in hacking the US election, added:

I fully support this plan. Too long have the poor benefited from the hard labour of the upper classes. Let’s teach them a lesson, its grrreat.

Pupils hunger for compassion

With the plans under such hot debate, a number of students have joined the fray. Although 4ft humans are usually ignored regarding their political views, or confused with UKIP councillors, today saw record numbers waxing lyrical. We visited a local playground and spoke to David Bratt, a child:

Between missing a Charizard on Pokemon Go and discovering a monster under my bed, this is the worst news I’ve had all day.

Marcin Klingbajl , a grumpy tween, commented:

This Conservative policy is awash with neoliberal populism and pseudoscientific rhetoric. The nebulous concept of osmotic derivation of print knowledge to a cerebral molecular ingram is baffling. May is surely exploiting a relative public ignorance of scientific thinking, coupled with a nationalistic sentiment of austerity being equal to true progress. Personally, I would argue that a 40:40:20 mix of carbohydrate, protein and unsaturated fats, coupled with 40 minute lessons covering a STEM-based curriculum with added critical thinking should address numerous dietary and societal issues.

Theresa May could not be reached for comment but was seen snacking on 50 Shades of Grey outside Jamie Dornan’s house.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Eat your laptop, tasty tasty knowledge. It’s the Will of the People.

– Ask your 8 year old child to serve Fermat’s Last Theorem.

– Help Theresa May seduce Jamie Dornan by sharing this article. Trust us, it works. We ate a book on market thing.

Featured image via Flickr

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