Theresa May held an election to increase her Brexit mandate. Or as she put it:
Vote for me and fill me with raw, unstoppable power – muwahahaha!
Unfortunately for May, people didn’t seem to think that giving more power to the inhuman politics-robot who was publicly lusting for it was a good idea. Which has ironically left her with less to offer than she had before.
Although there is one thing we can still trade with the EU. The one thing that the Tories allegedly still have in great quantities despite all evidence to the contrary.
Strength and stability
When David Davis and his crack team of negotiators turned up at the EU, they knew exactly what the plan was. They walked into the room, smiled at their opposite negotiators, and put a briefcase on the table. A briefcase that emitted a glowing gold light upon its opening.
“What is this?” asked the EU.
“It’s strength and stability,” Davis explained. “And we’re willing to trade you some of it in exchange for a cracking deal.”
The negotiators stared into the briefcase, which contained a Maglite torch and some gold foil, and looked puzzled. After several seconds, one of them decided it was a joke and began sniggering. Not long after that, several others joined in. Until eventually the whole room was in such riotous hysterics that the cafetieres were shaking.
It was, however, a ruse!
And while the negotiators were creasing their sides, the daring Davis ran into a nearby stationery cupboard and stole as many pens as he could get his hands on.
“You can’t say we got nothing out of these negotiations now!” Davis shouted as he fled the building.
Although embarrassing for them, the EU has taken precautions to prevent this happening again. Namely by buying a padlock for the stationery cupboard. The EU official who announced the measure saying that said lock is verified “strong and stable”, before literally ROFLing all about the place.
Featured image via Wikimedia
Do your bit for independent journalism
Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.
We need you to help out, if you can.
When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.
You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.
In return you get:
- Advert free reading experience
- Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
- 20% discount from our shop