‘Our economy has greatly improved *COUGH* for-the-rich *COUGH*’, says Hammond

John Shafthauer

Philip Hammond, AKA Blandalf the Grey, gave a speech on 20 June. In it, he explained how far the country has come, and where it’s going.

It’s just that what’s been reported misses out all of the times he had to cough a clarification.

Clarity

So when the venerable grey lizard said:

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Our economy has come a long way since the dark days of 2009.

Reporters have missed out that he coughed:

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*COUGH* At least it has for people who were already rich or have the business ethics of Patrick Bateman anyway *COUGH*

And when Blandalf said:

We have much work to do, and we’re determined to get on with it.

It’s not being reported that he muttered:

*COUGH* The state of the UK now is going to seem like a street-party on a mild summer day compared to what’s coming *COUGH*

And also:

Travelling the country in the general election campaign I’ve had hundreds of conversations *COUGH* With Tory activists pretending to be members of the public *COUGH*

And:

It’s clear, as many of my colleagues have noted, that Britain is weary after seven years of hard slog repairing the damage of the great recession *COUGH* And that rich people sadly can’t get away with making the poor pay for our mistakes anymore *COUGH*

And finally:

But we must not lose sight of the unchanging economic facts of life *COUGH* PMSL – can’t believe anyone still thinks we understand economics – ROFL AF *COUGH*

The future

The way things are shaping up, this dreary, talentless magician could be the next PM. His chances being about as good as any other Tory’s. As the Conservatives are descending into something more akin to a drunken mud-wrestling match than a political party.

And it’s the watching public who are getting splattered with mud.

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John Shafthauer