Boris Johnson worse for your brain than horse tranquilisers, study confirms

John Shafthauer

A new study into the impact of ‘bad shit’ on the human brain has concluded that Boris Johnson is worse for you than:

  1. Horse tranquilisers.
  2. Repeatedly falling into a canyon like Homer did.
  3. Doing a full bag of mystery powder that you found in a bus station.

This is your brain on Boris

The lead scientist on the study talked us through what happens to your brain when faced with Johnson:

Boris initially has a relaxing effect on you, which is similar to cannabis. This means you understand that what he’s saying is exaggerated, untrue, or immoral, but you find yourself amused by his bumbling anyway – like some hippy giggling at his own balls.

Although this may seem harmless, we’ve observed that long-term exposure to Boris can cause irreparable damage to brain cells. That’s why there are still people walking around saying things like ‘Labour bankrupted the country’ – even though the ‘logic’ for that argument was debunked years ago. They just remember Boris having said it, and they get stuck in a loop that we’re calling ‘The Johnson Hole’.

The report has also shown that Boris can act as a gateway drug to harder Tories like Jacob Rees-Mogg. I.e. Tories who seem superficially enjoyable, but are actually worse for your brain than snorting napalm:

Intervention

The scientists behind the study recommend that you remember the following when viewing Boris:

  1. Be aware that all of his cocking about is done on purpose to distract you.
  2. Remember that no matter what he’s saying, there’s probably a draft letter of him saying the exact opposite.
  3. Winners don’t take Boris.

And if you must view Boris, be sure that you’re not operating heavy machinery while doing so. Especially if said heavy machinery is a fire engine, as there’s a good chance he’ll be telling you to get stuffed.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr / Pixabay

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed