Farmers secure their wheat fields as Parliament prepares for the summer shutdown

May wheat fields OTP
Support us and go ad-free

The UK Parliament closes down for a period of several weeks every summer. A period when farmers coincidentally have their wheat fields terrorised by an unknown menace.

A menace that many suspect could be none other than the Prime Minister – Theresa May.

A fact which many farmers are having a hard time believing.

The wheat beast

We caught up with a farmer to ask him about the annual annoyance:

They’re saying that the thing which stalks our wheat fields is Theresa May. But I don’t buy it, see? Because I seen it myself. And it had the feet of a leopard and the remorseless stride of a hospital parking attendant.

We had Jeremy Corbyn over last year to look at the patterns the beast left. He said the crop circles were too strong and stable for a wheat beast to have made them. He reckoned only the Prime Minister’s are that precise.

I think he was being sarcastic though, to be honest, as it was a bit of a mess.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Range

These incidents aren’t restricted to one part of the country. And the beast goes by many names. Names that include:

  • The boring terror.
  • Richfoot.
  • The abominable slogan.
  • Thatchenstein’s monster.
  • Crapwoman.

Of course, we’ll never know for certain if May is the beast. The beast is too spry to be caught.

But there is something out there.

Prowling our fields of wheat.

And as the PM doesn’t even value actual human beings, you can only imagine what she might do to a defenceless field.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Public Domain Pictures / Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed