New Tory ‘grassroots’ group ends community outreach programme following several ‘light maimings’

Tory 'grassroots' group OTP
John Shafthauer

Recently there have been several attempts to create a grassroots Tory youth movement. The problem is that it’s difficult to get young people to spontaneously join the Conservative Party. As the levels of personal bitterness, greed, and delusion needed to become a Tory simply can’t normally be attained in under 30 years.

That hasn’t stopped affluent Tories from trying to buy a grassroots movement, however. Which is a bit like building a Seaworld attraction and hoping that some dolphins will spontaneously show up and live in the aquariums.

The latest such movement is (and probably was by the time you read this) called DEREGAtory.

And things did not go well for them.

Regular movements

The group’s squillionaire Tory backer, Lord Chubpuss, said this when announcing the group’s inception:

If there’s one thing that young people in this country are sick of, it’s overzealous health and safety regulations. I know that’s what troubled me when I was a young lad in the Thatcher Youth. And that’s why I’ve funded DEREGAtory.

One of the journalists in attendance asked if Chubpuss thought it was an issue that his group’s name sounded a lot like ‘derogatory’. Chubpuss responded with a long and violent string of slurs that we technically could publish but really don’t want to. The general gist of what he said being that he was the least derogatory person there is, and that anyone who says otherwise is a massive ****.

Oh, the humanity!

The first DEREGAtory event, obviously, went tragically awry.

The plan was to go out into the community and show people that Tories care and want to help. The problem was that the brains of the young Tories in attendance auto-corrected the words ‘care’ and ‘help’ to ‘loathe’ and ‘hunt’.

This led to a fairly shameful display in which young, affluent Tories were burning £50 notes in front of homeless people, pushing old ladies over in the middle of the street, and dismantling disability access ramps.

Although, to be fair, it did go a lot better than anyone could have reasonably expected.

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John Shafthauer