And what a week it was!
A week in which the summer holidays ended! A week in which Theresa May’s career somehow persisted! And a week in which it became apparent that an understanding of what Brexit actually means still hasn’t materialised – leading to speculation that we all died last year, and being doomed to spend eternity talking about Brexit is our purgatory!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Royal benefits baby to be raised by wolves in line with Tory two child policy
The Tory government has introduced a policy which means benefits will be restricted to a family’s first two children. Which is now an issue for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, as the pair have decided to recklessly procreate and bring another one of those awful human beings into the world.
Off with their benefits!
The first stage of the two-child policy saw benefits being withheld from superfluous people (ie children). The second stage is upping the ante though, and parents will be given the following options for their pointless progeny:
- Raised by wolves.
- Harvested for organs.
- Sold to Sports Direct.
- Put into one of those pods from The Matrix which somehow extract more energy than it takes to power them.
- Trained to listen to Theresa May at public events and pretend to be members of the public.
Norman Tebbit to start cycling club as Tories push for youth vote
by John Ranson
If the general election taught us one thing, it’s that the Conservative Party has totally lost the youth vote. Who’d have thought that would happen after only seven years of shafting young people from every conceivable angle?
The party had attempted to be youth-savvy by getting junior Tory blue-blood Ben Gummer to write the manifesto. But because it looked like a bit of half-done last-minute homework, everyone said it was rubbish and he lost his seat.
Since then there’s been a brief attempt to reclaim lost ground. But a senior Tory told us Activate was “so shit it needs strangling at birth”.
The Tories have looked at Labour and thought:
They’ve got a straight-talking old man who promotes cycling. Hang on, we’ve got a straight-talking old man who promotes cycling. Old Norman Tebbit. Why don’t we pull him out of cold storage and put him to use?
New Tory ‘grassroots’ group ends community outreach programme following several ‘light maimings’
Recently there have been several attempts to create a grassroots Tory youth movement. The problem is that it’s difficult to get young people to spontaneously join the Conservative Party. As the levels of personal bitterness, greed, and delusion needed to become a Tory simply can’t normally be attained in under 30 years.
That hasn’t stopped affluent Tories from trying to buy a grassroots movement, however. Which is a bit like building a Seaworld attraction and hoping that some dolphins will spontaneously show up and live in the aquariums.
The latest such movement is (and probably was by the time you read this) called DEREGAtory.
And things did not go well for them.
The group’s squillionaire Tory backer, Lord Chubpuss, said this when announcing the group’s inception:
If there’s one thing that young people in this country are sick of, it’s overzealous health and safety regulations. I know that’s what troubled me when I was a young lad in the Thatcher Youth. And that’s why I’ve funded DEREGAtory.
Scientists discover just who the hell actually supports Jacob Rees-Mogg
When most people hear that Jacob Rees-Mogg is suddenly very popular, they think:
No. No he isn’t.
Yet despite there being less appetite for a Mogg premiership than there is for the return of mad cow disease, the media keeps telling us it’s happening.
So who actually supports this antiquated silent movie villain?
Scientists believe they have an answer.
Men with Venn
By using complicated theoretical theories, super computers, and a compass, Britain’s most prominent boffins discovered the following:
Namely, that people who truly believe Rees-Mogg could one day be PM are:
- Wealthy to the point that, when they talk, they sound like their mouths are stuffed with jewels.
- Unpleasant to the point that they support a man who probably thinks the Spanish Inquisition was a bit too PC.
- Deluded to the point that they think Jacob Rees-Mogg could one day be PM.
Climate sceptics blown to the Land of Oz by Hurricane Irma are still sceptical
For several decades, scientists have warned that climate change could tear a hole in the Earth-Oz continuum. This would see magical weather tornadoes regularly tearing people into the wonderful world of Oz. An event that traditionally only happened every 30 years or so (i.e. the amount of time it took for Hollywood to run out of new ideas).
Sceptics, however, poo-pooed these claims – saying:
No, no, no! Everything is fine! And I don’t have to listen if I stick my fingers in my ears and go LA-LA-LA!
An argument that they’re sticking to – even though recent weather phenomena mean many of them aren’t in Kansas anymore.
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