And what a week it was!
A week in which Boris Johnson threatened to resign! A week in which the UK public said, “Well – go on then”! And a week in which Boris Johnson crawled back under his rock and pretended not to have said anything in the first place!
But what happened?
Let’s look back and see:
UK lured into the sewer following the £350m promise of a clown
If there’s one thing that most of us can agree on, it’s that you should never crawl into a gutter on the promise of a clown.
Not everyone agrees, though.
And this is how things panned out.
It all floats down here
The UK was wandering past an open sewer when it heard the call of Poundywise the clown:
POUNDYWISE: “Hey, ladies and gentlemen. Wanna come down here and play with my £350m balloons?”
CITIZEN 1: “No thanks. You’re clearly some sort of malevolent, alien entity who’s posing as a clown in order to lure people down to his horror lair. Which is a terrible idea, by the way. If you want to lure people anywhere, the last thing you want to pose as is a clown.”
CITIZEN 2: “Still, though, £350m.”
CITIZEN 1: “He isn’t actually going to give us £350m. He’s just saying that to lure us down to his murder-sewer. If you go down there, he’ll crack you open like a clam and slurp your soul out with his malevolent, alien tongue.”
CITIZEN 2: *SLOWLY CRAWLS INTO THE SEWER*
Johnson and Trump finally seen in the same room together
For a long time, people have wondered if Boris Johnson and Donald Trump could actually be the same person. After all, they both:
- Would say anything to get their own way. Even when it completely contradicts the last thing they said.
- Have ridiculous blonde… well, I suppose you could call it hair?
- Publicly and shamelessly spout the sort of horrifyingly dated prejudices we thought belonged in the last century. Oh wait – no – I actually mean the second to last century, don’t I? Because the millennium happened and all that. And Jesus Christ, how is this still going on?
The conspiracy has been put to bed, anyway, as Johnson and Trump have now been pictured in the same room together. Although the thing about conspiracy theories is that you can’t ‘prove’ them out of existence. Because conspiracy theories aren’t based on truth – they’re based on gut feelings and people having too much time on their hands.
In place of the now discredited theory, several more have sprung into life:
- There was only one of them there, but the CIA deployed some clever trickery with mirrors. What, you don’t think the CIA has the power to do stuff with mirrors? LOL – wake up, sheeple.
DWP site taken down after May tells tech companies to get tough on terror
Following the latest terror attack, Theresa May has decided to get tough on internet companies. But unfortunately, it’s not yet possible to create an algorithm smart enough to distinguish between ‘potential terrorism’ and ‘standard Tory policy’.
Department of Woe and Punishment
The worst offender in government is, of course, the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP). A governmental branch that is supposed to be the friend who supports you when you’re in need, but actually functions more like a sadistic vampire who feeds off misery and tedious bureaucracy.
The website for the DWP is just a slow-motion video of the former Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. Somewhat unusually, a gleeful IDS is topless and rubbing himself in what appears to be goat’s blood. The video plays in both slow motion and reverse, and although he is talking backwards, Duncan Smith can quite clearly be heard saying the word:
In the background, unseen people can be heard screaming.
We asked the advertising creatives who produced the promotional video why they generated such a terrifyingly unsettling piece:
We were asked to make something that embodied what the DWP is all about in under one minute. This was the best we could manage. Although obviously it pales in comparison to what actually goes on.
REVEALED: What was inside Farage’s letter to the BBC
On 20 September, Nigel Farage arrived at the BBC brandishing that most fearsome of all weapons… A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER!
Delivering my letter of complaint to the BBC Director-General yesterday. pic.twitter.com/TerWF4Z2dO
— Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) September 20, 2017
But what was written in this letter? Farage claimed he was cancelling his BBC licence fee because of a documentary in which someone suggested his shameless promotion of xenophobia may be partially responsible for the proceeding rise in xenophobia.
Off The Perch has seen the letter, though, and can exclusively confirm otherwise.
The letter reads:
Dear Mr BBC,
I’m sorry about the dramatic delivery, but it’s getting harder and harder to get noticed. I spoke at a far-right rally in Germany the other week, and most people just shrugged and called me a ‘lizard-faced bellend’.
I’m contacting you because I think it’s very important that I’m on TV – now more than ever. The LBC gig is great, but they’ve said that if I keep making stuff up, they’re going to replace me with Morrissey.
Obviously, it’s getting harder to justify putting me on TV. I mean – I’m not leading a political party anymore – and the party I was leading is only still going because our members get a discount at Wetherspoon’s.
I was thinking that maybe I could become a TV personality. As such, I’ve come up with some TV pitches. All of which, I think you’ll agree, are excellent:
- Fash in the Attic.
- The Baby Boomers Against Every Other Generation Game.
- Strictly Come Goose-Stepping.
- Yesterday’s World.
- The One Hour of Nigel Talking Bollocks Show.
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Love and kisses,
May calls for two year Brexit extension to ‘keep this party going!’
Whether you voted to Remain or Leave, I think we can all agree on one thing: that this period – the period right now – when we still don’t know what Brexit will entail and every day is a confused repeat of the last – is pretty fantastic.
As such, Theresa May has called for a two-year Brexit extension. In her own words to:
KEEP THIS FLIPPING PARTY GOING, MOTHER FUDGERS! WOO! LET’S MAINTAIN THIS SHINDIG COMMENCING!
We spoke to some people from across the political spectrum to find out what they thought:
Benny Hull – 32 – Can’t Remember How He Voted
Why are we still talking about it? They promised me that the vote would decide it one way or the other! WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT!? DID NO ONE HAVE A PLAN!? STOP MAKING ME TALK ABOUT IT!!!
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