Desperate island threatens trade war with rabid continent

Desperate island threatens trade war with rabid continent OTP
Support us and go ad-free

The UK’s hope of a better, post-Brexit trade relationship with the US always seemed optimistic. Especially as Donald Trump’s approach to diplomacy is:

  1. Make sure the other person gets a worse deal (ideally after insulting their personal character on Twitter).
  2. Make sure that everyone knows he got a better deal (bragging that this makes him ‘like a really smart person’).
  3. Steal some pens and office equipment on the way out (forgetting that he once said Hillary should be locked up for borrowing a government-issued stapler).

This is why it’s been somewhat predictable that Trump has sided with Boeing over the Northern Ireland-located Bombardier. What’s less predictable is that Theresa ‘U-Turn’ May has threatened a trade war with Donald ‘I WOULD NUKE THE ENTIRE PLANET TO AVOID BACKING DOWN’ Trump.


Trump was relaxing in his Oval Office tire-swing when he heard the news.

“TRADE WAR!?” he screamed – limply beating his chest like an arthritic gorilla. “THOSE LOUSY AUSSIES WANT A TRADE WAR WITH ME!?”

His son-in-law Jared Kushner tried explaining that ‘Aussies’ were in fact the other ones, but Trump wasn’t listening. Instead, he’d jumped on to his tiny tricycle and was frantically pedalling for the war-bunker.

“NUKES!” he screamed at the heads of military. “FETCH ME MY NUKES!”

A giant red button was brought to the President – a button he managed to push after only four attempts.

Read on...

Once it was done, an apparent ‘live-feed’ showed what was actually the ending of ‘Dr. Strangelove’.

Won’t he realise it was a fake when Britain is still there tomorrow?” one of the newer generals whispered.

He hasn’t so far,” a colleague whispered back. “This is the fourth time we’ve ‘nuked’ the UK this week.”

“OOOK!” Trump bellowed at the feed, before grabbing a banana and heading back to his nest.

Strong and special

Although Trump is being prevented from nuking us by his keepers, that doesn’t mean anyone’s preventing him from giving us a shitty deal. Least of all May, who’s spent her tenure as PM proving how little strength and stability she has.

Basically, it’s like we’ve sent the Cowardly Lion to negotiate with King Kong.

Except worse than that.

Because this particular Lion doesn’t have a brain either.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via David Mirzoeff/Flickr

We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support

The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.

The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.

So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.

Support us

Comments are closed