A 3 step guide to being friends with a Tory MP

How to be friends with a Tory MP OTP
John Shafthauer

There was much panic and moral outrage recently when Labour MP Laura Pidcock said she could never be friends with a Tory.

And rightfully so.

Because you know what people think when they look at politics? You know what homeless people think? Or people who’ve been screwed by the DWP? Or junior doctors?

They think:

Why oh why can’t my local Labour MP be friends with Jacob Rees-Mogg? Sure – the Tories may be ruining the country – they may be driving us towards an early death – and they might be taking a wrecking ball to the NHS – but apparently a lot of them are borderline polite in person, so why not just get the beers in?


It’s partisan politics that’s ruining the country. Not the fact that the government is actively trying to ruin the country.

Step by step

If you’re a Labour MP who’s struggling to make friends with a Tory, please follow these simple steps:

  1. You may worry that your friendship will be perceived by the victims of Tory policy as a betrayal. Don’t be. You can just block anyone who feels betrayed on Twitter. It’s easy.
  2. After spending time with a Tory, you may notice that the smell of sulphur and malevolence has clung to your clothing. Although unpleasant, this odour will wash out. Daz usually does the trick. If not, ask your Tory buddy for a vial of the plebeian tears they carry around with them.
  3. Know that your against-the-odds friendship proves that people from all walks of life can get along. You should feel reassured by this as your Tory friend votes to diminish the lives of people from all walks of life.


The Guardian recently said of Pidcock:

She’s an exception rather than the rule, in a place where even fierce ideological opponents rarely hate each other half as much as outsiders think.

The problem is that few of us really thought the two sides hated each other in the past. We didn’t even think they were all that ideologically opposed to one another.

That was always the problem.

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Featured image via Wikimedia

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John Shafthauer