Growing economy ‘proves things are good’, claim people who say we need austerity

Growing economy ‘proves things are good' OTP
John Shafthauer

New figures show that the UK economy grew by 0.4% between July and September. This is good news for the government, as obviously the less time they spend worrying about how much money we have, the more time they can spend dismantling public services.


The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was very excited about the news. This is what he said just after:

It’s grown!? Get in!

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It just goes to show that poor people don’t know anything about the economy. They’re always complaining about having to use foodbanks, but the economy just improved by nearly half a percent, so I guess the country is doing pretty well, actually!

The extra cash will be appreciated, anyway. We’re hoping to spend it on a brand new Ministry of Austerity that will allow us to find even more things to cut. We reckon we might even make back as much as we put in if we cut things right!

Up for the axe so far are libraries, Spring, and the North.

Schrödinger’s economy

Erwin Schrödinger postulated that if you put a cat in a box, said feline would be either dead or alive, but you couldn’t know which until the container was opened. This means that – theoretically – the cat is simultaneously dead and alive at the same time.

The Tory economy is very similar. Trapped in a state of being:

  1. So good we should re-elect them.
  2. So bad we need to sell the NHS to whichever super villain has the best offer.

Unlike Schrödinger, though, the Tories haven’t been very good at keeping their cat in the box. Meaning the state of the economy is just that – an absolute fucking state that no one believes is working for them anymore.

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