Growing economy ‘proves things are good’, claim people who say we need austerity

Growing economy ‘proves things are good' OTP
Support us and go ad-free

New figures show that the UK economy grew by 0.4% between July and September. This is good news for the government, as obviously the less time they spend worrying about how much money we have, the more time they can spend dismantling public services.


The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was very excited about the news. This is what he said just after:

It’s grown!? Get in!

It just goes to show that poor people don’t know anything about the economy. They’re always complaining about having to use foodbanks, but the economy just improved by nearly half a percent, so I guess the country is doing pretty well, actually!

The extra cash will be appreciated, anyway. We’re hoping to spend it on a brand new Ministry of Austerity that will allow us to find even more things to cut. We reckon we might even make back as much as we put in if we cut things right!

Up for the axe so far are libraries, Spring, and the North.

Schrödinger’s economy

Erwin Schrödinger postulated that if you put a cat in a box, said feline would be either dead or alive, but you couldn’t know which until the container was opened. This means that – theoretically – the cat is simultaneously dead and alive at the same time.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

The Tory economy is very similar. Trapped in a state of being:

  1. So good we should re-elect them.
  2. So bad we need to sell the NHS to whichever super villain has the best offer.

Unlike Schrödinger, though, the Tories haven’t been very good at keeping their cat in the box. Meaning the state of the economy is just that – an absolute fucking state that no one believes is working for them anymore.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed