New research shows 100% of all Twitter users are bots

TRUMP TWITTER
Support us and go ad-free

There’s been significant concern recently that Russia used Twitter to influence elections. The truth is even scarier. As it turns out 100% of Twitter users are in fact computer-generated bots.

Jack it in

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey explained the situation:

When I created Twitter, I had two simple dreams – for people to stop calling me a nerd, and to own an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with cash.

The problem was that no one wanted to use the platform, as it makes you feel like you’re massaging your brain with a scouring pad.

In an attempt to attract investors, we filled the site with bots. None of them were believable as real people, but weirdly everyone started paying attention to them. Before long, journalists were writing stories based on things that they said. Even though it was all imaginary and annoying.

Things really came to a head when one of our earliest bots – Donald Trump – got the Republican nomination. Despite having pretty much no capacity for mimicking genuine human speech, people were convinced he was authentic.

We assumed everyone would realise he wasn’t real eventually, but one day he showed up in reality. The bots found a way of turning what looked like a child’s drawing of an angry tangerine into a real life living person.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

I’m speaking out now because things have gone too far. Twitter needs to stop!

Twitocalypse

If you’re worried that world events are being dictated by the snarky, 140 character comments of people who may not even be real, you should be.

And if you want to put a stop to Twitter, the best way is to log into your old MySpace account and get socialising. Because the only way to curb Twitter’s importance is to make MySpace great again!

CONTENT NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS PAID FOR BY JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND THE MYSPACE CORPORATION.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed