When Theresa May promoted the chief whip in the middle of a whip’s office scandal, many people were flabbergasted; with ‘many people’ including Tory MPs:
Minister texts; “She’s so weak she’s allowed the inexperienced Chief whip to appoint himself”
— Beth Rigby (@BethRigby) November 2, 2017
The assumption is that May is so weak that Gavin Williamson – the former chief whip – is now able to operate her like a drab muppet.
It turns out that May isn’t being controlled, though. Or at least that’s what she claimed in a speech that was suspiciously written by Williamson himself.
I am not a puppet
Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, May said:
There is something I would like to clear up. I did not promote Gavin Williamson because he knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Far from it. I promoted him because he is the right man for the job.
May glanced at Williamson before reading the next part – a look of nausea on her face:
I would also like to say that Gavin Williamson is the single best human being I have ever met. And in all honesty, he would make a much better prime minister than myself. Although, obviously, I will be around for the foreseeable…
May looked at Williamson again as he held up several fingers:
for at least another eight months.
The PM then shuffled away, muttering: “Jesus – that long?”
Dirt
People are wondering what dirt Williamson could possibly have on May. The rumour is that, when May said she once ‘ran through a field of wheat’, what she actually meant was ‘killed and ate a clown’.
Although obviously that’s just a rumour.
For now.
#Don’tSue.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
