Gavin Williamson ‘is not controlling me’, May claims in speech written by Gavin Williamson
When Theresa May promoted the chief whip in the middle of a whip’s office scandal, many people were flabbergasted; with ‘many people’ including Tory MPs:
Minister texts; “She’s so weak she’s allowed the inexperienced Chief whip to appoint himself”
— Beth Rigby (@BethRigby) November 2, 2017
The assumption is that May is so weak that Gavin Williamson – the former chief whip – is now able to operate her like a drab muppet.
It turns out that May isn’t being controlled, though. Or at least that’s what she claimed in a speech that was suspiciously written by Williamson himself.
Read on...
I am not a puppet
Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, May said:
There is something I would like to clear up. I did not promote Gavin Williamson because he knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Far from it. I promoted him because he is the right man for the job.
May glanced at Williamson before reading the next part – a look of nausea on her face:
I would also like to say that Gavin Williamson is the single best human being I have ever met. And in all honesty, he would make a much better prime minister than myself. Although, obviously, I will be around for the foreseeable…
May looked at Williamson again as he held up several fingers:
for at least another eight months.
The PM then shuffled away, muttering: “Jesus – that long?”
Dirt
People are wondering what dirt Williamson could possibly have on May. The rumour is that, when May said she once ‘ran through a field of wheat’, what she actually meant was ‘killed and ate a clown’.
Although obviously that’s just a rumour.
For now.
#Don’tSue.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
